This Week at WorldGolf.com: July 27, 2006

The year of the big-boned comes to a screeching halt for chubby golfers

Just when things were looking up for those of us blessed with dense skeletons, everything started going to hell.

The start of the year was all about being large and in charge. Jolly John Daly was busily setting records for the most egregious gambling losses by the kilo-enhanced; tubby Tim Herron showed you don't need to be able to see your feet to win the Colonial; portly Pat Hurst forced super-fit Annika Sorenstam into a playoff for the U.S. Women's Open; and chubby Charles Barkley thrilled with his words while making the world a safer place by quitting golf.

It was truly the cheeseburger days for us hungry humans, but sadly, it appears the salad days are now upon us, as "The Man" tries to convince us that we are not big boned, but just fat.

First of all, it appears that Americans are increasingly too plump for X-rays and other medical scans. When patients are too fat for such things, radiologists write it up as: "These images are limited due to body habitus."

Body habitus. Now there's a pleasant, easy-to-digest line.

Now, an informal survey from Golf Digest comes to a pants-bursting conclusion: The majority of amateur duffers in the U.S. are overweight. The survey was featured in Golf Digest's annual "Masters of the Obvious" edition, which also included the stories "Golf Ball Shapes: Round Solidly Trumps Rectangular" and "When Deciding What to Breathe, Choose Air."

In an informal survey done at waffle houses and bars around this fine nation, the magazine found that about two-thirds of recreational golfers are overweight. It also found that 29 percent have a hot dog at the turn, and 9 percent said they have imbibed in 10 or more beers during one round of golf.

For those of us with glandular issues, this is normal. A few times a year someone makes a discovery that being overweight is somehow bad for you. Well, folks, I'm here to say that I've done my own study and found this amazing conclusion: screw them.

Call us fat, call us a drain on society, but just don't call us late for dinner. We have body habitus, and we will not take it any longer. I may not have a leg to stand on here (because if I tried, it would crumble like it was made of glass), but let me just say this to all of you "worried" about our weight:

You can have our beer and hot dogs when you pry them from our chubby, malformed little fingers.

As always, WorldGolf.com welcomes your comments.

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