Lee Bacchus looks at Golf
The Extreme Golf Association
Yes, the XFL has mercifully X-pired. But don't you think Vince McMahon and his World Wrestling Federation mindset merely applied the sex-and-suckerpunch concept to the wrong sport?
After all, football is already a kind of wrestling in capri pants kind of thing, isn't it. Why not take the XFl concept of violence and shameless mouth-breathing entertainment to a more refined sport.
Welcome to the XGA! The Extreme Golf Association!
To help pitch this new sports-entertainment concept to any wanna-be financial backers out there, allow me to introduce a few of the exciting, and sure to be compelling, rules of the new XGA!!!
1. Golfers shall tee off before the group ahead has hit their second shot. If any ball shall strike a player in that group, the player who struck the shot shall have one stroke deducted from that hole. If the shot causes that player to die, then he may deduct two strokes.
2. Caddies will be drawn from a pool of Hooters waitresses. They will perform all caddy-related functions in thong bikinis.
3. Any ball hit into a water hazard must be personally retrieved by the ball striker. All water hazards will contain schools of piranha and a heap of gators.
4. While on the green, any player may bodycheck any other player who is in the act of putting. The putting player, in turn, may rightly defend himself with his putter, or in some cases, the flagstick.
5. Any player with a flagstick imbedded in his eye must first ask permission of the remaining players in his foursome before removing it. Otherwise, he incurs a two-stroke penalty.
6. As a player is in the act of teeing off, any other player in his group is encouraged to shout loudly and suddenly: "YOU'VE GOT A SCORPION CRAWLING UP YOUR PANTLEG!" But please feel free to improvise.
7. Exploding balls, rubber drivers, and putters with Super-Glue freshly applied to club grips will be considered regulation equipment. Balls on the green may be marked with tiny landmines.
8. To determine order of play, members of a given foursome will throw their balls into the air. The player who can catch his ball in his mouth, shall tee off first.
9. As in the PGA, competitors will be allowed 13 clubs in their bag, but shall also be permitted a chainsaw, a crossbow and a few gallons of napalm.
10. All rounds of 18 holes must be competed within 45 minutes. Failure to do so means the competitor shall exchange his pants for his caddy's thong.