Lee Bacchus

Two Types of Golfers

A weekend spent watching the Masters only confirmed my suspicions: I am not among the blessed or the favored few.

As I watched Tiger's seemingly pre-ordained march into links lore, my gaze kept straying elsewhere — to Augusta National's preternaturally perfect greens and fairways (more carefully and meticulously groomed than George Hamilton's chest hair), to the "rough" (more lush and velvety than the White House lawn),, and to the immaculately pressed and silken sheen of the players' logo-strewn attire.

It was a kind of golf wet-dream, and certainly nothing at all like what I experience as a down-and-dirty weekend warrior at my local public course.

Alas, one glance at this ultimate private club made me realize there are two types of golfers in this world: the country club dandy and the muni mucker. I, of course, belong to the latter.

In almost every way, these two species differ. For instance:

  • A country clubber has his clubs polished before the first tee;
  • A muni mucker polishes off a club sandwich before the first tee.

  • Before his round, a country clubber shines his shoes;
  • Before his round, a muni mucker pressure washes his gumboots.

  • A country clubber sports blow-dried hair;
  • A muni mucker's blew away long ago.

  • A country clubber favors clothing from Armani;
  • A muni mucker favors clothing from army surplus.

  • A country clubber spends December in Nassau;
  • A muni mucker spends his December paycheck on a nassau.

  • A country clubber rarely perspires;
  • A muni mucker always sweats.

  • A country clubber uses the latest model of clubs;
  • A muni mucker uses the clubs the country clubber traded in for the latest model.

  • A country clubber reserves space in his bag for an Odyssey putter;
  • A muni mucker's putting is a space odyssey.

  • A country clubber brandishes logos from Callaway and Hugo Boss;
  • A muni mucker brandishes logos from K-Mart and Harry's House of Auto Parts.

  • A country clubber refreshes himself with iced lemonades and mint juleps;
  • A muni mucker refreshes himself with whatever's dribbling out of the sprinkler hose.

  • A country clubber uses balata balls;
  • A muni mucker uses a lot'o balls.

Lee’s Top Five Golf Topics
1. FOUR IN A ROW.
The "Mini-Slam," the Grand Slam," or the "Tiger Slam." Whatever you call it, it still sounds like something I ate last week at Denny's.

2. PHIL THE THRILL.
With his heart-stopping highs and lows, Mickelson's turning into a human tech stock.

3. OUTLAW DRIVERS.
Callaway is hyping its pricey ERC 2 woods, banned on the PGA for their "trampoline effect." When you throw them in disgust, they bounce back into your hands.

4. "CLAW" PUTTING.
Chris DiMarco's unconventional putting grip is grabbing a lot of attention. Hey, I've got another good one; it involves holding the club with your right hand and your left nostril.

5. TIGER TERRIFIC.
He's playing as if he owned the PGA, and don't be surprised if someday he buys it.

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