Lee Bacchus

Golf and the Academy Awards

It was sometime between The Academy Awards on Sunday and the final Gladiator-like nine holes of the TPC on Monday that I got to thinking golf should have its own Oscars.

I mean, The Legend of Bagger Vance (a sappy Robert Redford golf flick) didn¹t warrant a mention at the Awards, and why should all that petty shallowness, ego-stroking and indulgent vanity get wasted just on movies anyway?

After all, golf is about more than just ball-striking. Actually, at times (particularly when the networks starts hyperventilating over the Masters ) it seems it¹s about everything but ball-striking.

Let's say we dub the statuettes the Golden Gophers (after the lovable burrowers in Caddyshack), and then hand them out with all the arbitrary meaninglessness the Academy applies to its glittering booty.

So how about we hire Bill Murray has the MC, roll out a green carpet and dish out the following:

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN INANIMATE OBJECT IN A DRAMATIC ROLE:
The 17th green at Sawgrass. Runner up to the infamous road hole at St. Andrews.

BEST ACTOR IN A TEMPERMENTAL ROLE:
Steve (The Volcano) Pate. Runners-up to John Daly, Lanny Wadkins, Scott Hoch.

BEST FOREIGN ACTOR IN A TEMPERMENTAL ROLE:
Colin Mongomerie.

THE MARISA TOMEI MEMORIAL AWARD FOR A SUDDEN DISAPPEARING ACT:
Mark O'Meara. Runner-up to Nick Faldo.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN 2000:
Everyone except Tiger Woods.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN 2001:
Everyone except Annika Sorenstam.

BEST PERFORMANCE OF A FORMER PLAYER MASQUERADING AS A COMEDIAN:
David Feherty. Runner-up to Gary.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A COMEDIAN MASQUERADING AS A PLAYER:
Jesper Parnevik. Runner-up to Peter Jacobsen.

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Jim Furyk's swing. Runner-up to Tiger's chipping with his 3-wood.

MOST TRAGIC PERFORMANCE:
Jean Van de Velde in the 1999 British Open.

MOST LIKELY TO BE THE INSPIRATION FOR A SEQUEL TO TIN CUP:
Jerry Kelly. Runner-up to Woody Austin.

MOST LIKELY TO BE THE INSPIRATION TO YET ANOTHER SEQUEL TO CADDYSHACK:
Duffy Waldorf. Runner-up,Brad Bryant.

FOREIGN PLAYER WHOSE CURSES DON'T NEED SUBTITLES:
Sergio Garcia. Runner-up to Bernhard Langer.

NORTH AMERICAN PLAYER MOST IN NEED OF SUBTITLES:
Good ol'boy Hal Sutton. Runner-up, Indiana mumbler Fuzzy Zoeller.

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A GOLF COMMERCIAL:
The "Sign Guy." Runner-up to the actor in the Callaway ad who claims their new ball is made from "moon dust."

Lee’s Top Five Golf Topics
1. TIGER WOODS:
He's baaaaack! And for the love of God don't ever get in the way of those uppercut fist pumps.

2. ANNIKA SORENSTAM:
She shoots 59 and wins three tourneys in a row. If Woods is the Crouching Tiger, Sorenstam's the Hidden Dragon.

3. THE MASTERS:
Should be another dramatic finish at the final hole with Tiger a mere 20 ahead of the field.

4. TIGER WOODS TRADING CARDS:
One limited edition card with gold-foil printing recently sold for $20,000 on eBay. Oh, man, and my spare kidney only fetched 500 bucks!

5. GOLF GIZMOS:
First it was high-tech distance estimators and now it's handheld devices that provides info on wind velocity, temperature and wind chill. That's great. Like I really want to know I'm stupid enough to play in sub-zero 30 mph weather.

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Dates: January 1, 2014 - December 31, 2014
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