I. The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality.

II. When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match.

III. Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you are in sight of other players.

IV. Always maintain an even temper but take advantage of feigning anger and disgust at strategic moments.

V. Find creative, non-threatening ways of focusing the topic of conversation on the most lucrative deal possible.

VI. Never offer advice; if asked, promptly change the subject.

VII. Always offer compliments to other players even if such recognition is not merited.

VIII. Always offer to pay for incidentals like balls, hot dogs and your wagering losses.

IX. Your bag should contain a flask of bourbon and a half dozen fine cigars and you should not fail to generously offer them to your colleagues.

X. Always bring your pocket phone or pager on the course and make sure it rings at least once. Excerpted by permission from BIRDIES IN THE BOARDROOM: Golfing Your Way Up the Corporate Ladder by Joey West ($8 from JSA Publications; ISBN 0-929957-09-1). Available in most bookstores or by calling toll free 1-800-507-BOOK.

Short Putts:

No Problem:
"The easiest shot in golf is your fourth putt."
-Groucho Marx

Yes, Dear:
How is a wedding ring like a bag of golf clubs?
-Both are instruments of eternal servitude.

Moo to Mow:
In earlier days, fairways were kept cut by grazing cattle and sheep. Tractor mowers were quickly introduced because cows preferred munching the rough.

Forestation:
Imagine what golf courses would look like if a tree were planted in every spot a golfer illegally nudged the ball.

Pooh Tao:
"Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game at which to be bad."
- A.A. Milne

Roughshot:
You know you've spent too much time in the rough when you have cocklespurs on your right pant leg-and pine sap on the left.

Joke:
How is cheating good for a golfer's health?
-A low score keeps the blood pressure low too!

Big Bertha:
That's at one end of the shaft. There's a fat head at the other.

Quick Change:
The singular fascination about golf is how badness can turn into greatness at any moment. The only similar phenomenon is when a novice poker player miraculously pulls a royal flush.

Fashion Statement:
A sign installed outside a ladies' locker room, after a rule change permitting women to wear slacks on the course, read as follows:
"Trousers may be worn by ladies on the course but must be removed upon entering the clubhouse."

Oxymoron:
A born putter.

Deliver Us:
Which part of "The Lord's Prayer" is a golfer's favorite?
-"Lead us not into temptation."