The Web's Best Golf Jokes
Tiger Woods is attending a charity dinner and is seated next to Stevie Wonder. They get chatting and eventually the conversation turns to golf and Tiger recent perfomances.
After hearing some of Stevie's comments and advice Tiger pointedly asks "Oh, you play do you?" To which Stevie replies " Actually, I do",
"Oh", says Tiger amused, "How do you manage that?"
"Well", says Stevie, "My caddy just stands down the faiway in line with the flag and calls out 'This way sir', and I just hit the ball towards his voice"
"Wow", says Tiger, disbelieving, "So, how do you putt?"
"Same thing," says Stevie, "My caddy stands on the other side of the hole and calls out,'over here Stevie, 8 yards' and I just putt to his voice".
"Wow" says Tiger, getting interested, "So, whats your handicap? If you don't mind me asking?"
"Oh" says Stevie, "I play for scratch".
"Wow!" Says Tiger, stunned, "Fancy a game sometime this week? Say, $10,000 a hole?"
"Sure" says Stevie casually, "Sounds like fun!"
"Great!" says Tiger, "What time suits you?"
"Oh" replies Stevie deadpan, "Any night'll do!"
Submitted by Matt Dell
John and his wife went golfing every week together to their favorite course. One day on the 7th hole John's ball landed behind a barn. He was going to take an unplayable lie penalty stroke, but his wife said that if he opened up the front and back doors of the barn he could play through the barn.
As John was lining up his shot his wife went to the back of the barn to hold the door open. John stroked the ball and it hit his wife in the head killing her instantly. After that day John swore he would never play golf again.
A couple of year later some guys from work was trying to get him to play golf again. After months of being hounded he gave in and agreed to play a round. They took him to the same course he used to play with his wife. And on the 7th hole his drive put him behind the barn again.
John was about to take an unplayable lie penalty, when one of the guys suggested to open up the barn doors and play through it.
John said "No way! The last time I played that shot I got a nine.
Submitted by Chris Reyes
The golfer is in Africa and decides to have a game. The pro says Ok but he has to take one of their caddies.
As they are getting ready the golfer notices the caddy put a rifle in the bag and asks what it is for. The caddy replies"Just a precaution sir".
Halfway down the second a lion comes racing out of the bushes,the caddy gets the rifle and shoots the lion dead. When the golfer asks what happended the caddy replies" Don't worry it's just a precaution sir".
They are on the 8th when a rhinocerous charges at the golfer and the caddy quickly shoots it dead. Again the same comments are made by the caddy as he casually puts the rifle back in the bag.
Finally on the 14th the golfer is putting out when a crocodile latches on to his leg and starts dragging him away. Quick as a flash he yells out to the caddy to grab the riflr and shoot the crocodile dead.
The caddy replies calmly " I'm sorry sir, you don't get a shot on this hole"
Submitted by Greg Barker
Two golfers join up at the first for a game and each explains they have a psychcological problem and need to play differently.
It appears they both have the same doctor who has precsribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress.
And so they hit off with their imaginary balls. After hitting eagles, pars, irdies and keeping down the middle they reach the 17th.
The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first so he hits off with his imaginary ball.
"Look at that, a beuatiful shot just on the edge of the green" The second guy hits his imaginary ball and and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball.
The first guy lines up and putts. "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win". The second guy responds" You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball"
Submitted by Greg Barker
Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it.
Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
Submitted by Ray Eldred
A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can.
The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about 2 inches from the hole.
As they walked up to the green the Pro said "Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole.
The man said " Why didn't you say that when we were on the tee".
Submitted by Alan Ludlow
A wife asked her husband, "When I die, will you quit playing golf?"
The husband replies, "It will take a while to get over it, but eventually I'll probably play again." She asks again, "If you remarry, will you marry another woman who plays golf?" He replies, "Yes, I probably will." Again she asks, "Will you give her my clubs?" The husband replies, "No, she's left-handed."
Submitted by Darrell Cochran
One day the golf pro at the club was playing golf with three members and on the first tee the first member hits a big hook into the woods on the left and turns and asks the pro "What causes that? Pro" and the pro replys "LOFT".
The next member gets up and hits a big slice into the water on the right and turns and asks the pro "What causes that? Pro" and the pro replys "LOFT"
The last member gets up and hits a worm burner down the middle and turns and ask the pro "What causes that? Pro" and the pro replys "LOFT"
The member gets irate and says " Look pro, Bob hits a hook and you say LOFT, Bill hits a slice and you say LOFT and I dripple it down the middle and you say LOFT. What is this LOFT?"
The pro says "LOFT, you know, Lack Of Frigging Talent."
Submitted by Joe White
One day, as I was playing the fairway on the 15th hole of my local course, I watched as the man, on the fairway running parallel to mine, hit several balls into a water hazard. In frustration he eventually tossed his club into the water quickly followed by bag and the rest of his clubs. He stormed off the course only to return a few minutes later.
He walked into the water, retrieved his bag, removed his car keys and threw the bag back in.
Submitted by B. Stout
One day three men were playing golf. The par three hole they were teeing up at had a water hazard directly in front of the green. The first man tees up and hits his ball. It lands at the edge of the water. The water separates, nd the ball rolls up onto the green three feet from the pin. The other two golfers say, "Good shot Moses."
The next man tees off. The ball land at the edge of the water, rolls across the top of the hazard onto the green just inches from the hole. The other two golfers say, "Good shot Jesus."
The next man tees off. The ball lands right at the edge of the water and stops dead.
Just then a little squirrel runs out of the woods and grabs the ball. An eagle swoops down, picks up the squirrel, flies right over the green, shakes the squirrel, the squirrel drops the ball and it lands right in the cup.
Jesus says, "Nice shot Dad."
Submitted by B. Stout
St. Peter and God go out to play golf one day. St. Peter wins honors on the first tee, and hits a beautiful, perfectly-placed drive.
God then tees his ball, and hits a terrible slice into the woods. Just before the ball comes to rest, a squirrel comes scurrying down out of a tree, grabs the ball in its jaws and takes off across the fairway. As the squirrel comes out into the open, an eagle comes swooping down out of a treetop, grabs the squirrel and begins flying away. As the eagle soars over the green, a bolt of lightning comes down and hits it. The eagle drops the squirrel and the squirrel drops the ball, which lands on the green, bounces once and goes straight into the hole.
St. Peter turns to God and says, "Will you stop fooling around and play golf?"
Submitted by Andrew Douglas - Sullivan & Mulvaney
A good 'ol boy businessman found himself in the same foursome as Ben Hogan at a pro-am. After watching Hogan hit a four iron to a par three of some 190 yards and having it check abruptly not 10 feet from the pin he sauntered over to Ben and put his arm around his shoulder.
Unaware of Hogans rather surly demeanor and sharp wit he asked how he, Hogan, had managed to hit this remarkable shot and if he too could learn how to do it.V Hogan turned after removing the man's arm and asked him just how far he hit HIS four iron. The 'ol boy replied quite happily that he could manage about 150 to 160 yards whereupon Hogan uttered, "Then I see no reason as to why you would NEED to learn that shot." and turned on his heel and walked away.
Submitted by Rob Weir
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Submitted by Matt Pavelka
What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
A bad golfer goes whack, "CRAP", a bad sky diver goes, "CRAP". whack!
Submitted by Derek Bedigrew
Guy comes to a water hole and only has two balls left -- an old one and a new one. Naturally, he tees up the old ball.
A voice from above booms: "Pick up the old ball .... tee up the new ball."
He picks up the old ball, tees up the new one and gets ready to swing.
The voice from above is heard again: "First, take a practice swing." Guy takes a practice swing.
Voice from above: "Tee up the old ball!"
Submitted by Roy Harrison
First Golfer: "Look at this golf ball, it's amazing. If you hit it into the rough it calls you with a 'beep...beep ...beep'. If you hit it deeper into the rough it gives off a louder 'Brap...Brap...Brap'. If the ball goes even further into the woods a little antenna pops out and the ball signals you like a truck horn, 'AUUGAAHH...AUUGAHH ... AHUGAHH!!!'"
Second Golfer: "Where in the world did you get it?
First Golfer: "I found it!"
Submitted by Roy Harrison
First Golfer: " I was playing with Harry Schwartz yesterday. He was hitting the ball so badly that on the 12th hole -- you know, the water hole -- he really blew it. Throwing his clubs into the lake, he jumped in after them shouting "I'm going to kill myself".
Second Golfer: "What happened ??"
First Golfer: "Nothing ... He couldn't keep his head down."
Submitted by Roy Harrison
Golfer, about 140 yards from the green, asks his caddy: "Can I get home with a nine iron?"
Submitted by Roy Harrison
Two guys playing with a heavy Nassau bet. One guy slices his drive into the woods. They go in looking for it. First guys, after a few minutes, shouts "I got it!". <[> Later in the clubhouse when he was talking over the round with another of his golfing buddies, he said: "What could I do? - I had his ball in my pocket."
Submitted by Roy Harrison
Golf pro, giving lessons to a young lady, reached around from behind to help her with her swing. Just then, he looked down and realized his fly was open. Quickly zipping it up, he unfortunately caught her skirt in his zipper. Unable to get it loose, the two of them started walking toward the club house to get a pair of pliers. <[> Suddenly, a big black dog came out of the bushes and threw a bucket of water on them.
Submitted by Roy Harrison
Two guys at a convention get stoned the night before a big golf match. During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.
A spread-eagle putter - with feet wide apart-- the guy draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog comes running across the green, right between the guy's legs, and out the other side of the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!
His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt that dog running between your legs ..."
"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"
Submitted by Roy Harrison
Why is golf called "golf"?
Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Submitted by Al Demerse of Pickens, SC
A genie was playing a round of golf one day and belted one right down the middle of the fairway. Unfortunately, he bounced the ball off of another golfer.
The Genie rushed down the fairway and said to the golfer "Since I hit you with the ball, I will grant you one wish. What would you like?"
The golfer said, "Well, I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am scared to fly and I don't like ships. Can you fix it up so I can drive?"
The Genie said, "I'm sorry, that would take too long. Do you have a request for something a little easier?"
The golfer replied, "Well, I have always wanted to understand women."
The Genie thought for a moment and replied, "Would you like that two lanes or four?"
Submitted by Ryan Cantrell
The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddy who can count and keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"11 sir" said the caddy.
"Good, you'll do perfectly."
Submitted by Andrew John Orchard
One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it's a gorgeous day - so beautiful that he couldn't possibly turn away from playing golf.
So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks the another priest if he would say his masses today because the first priest isn't feeling well. The other priest agrees.
So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a little bit past town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "Are you going to let him get away with that?"
Jesus replies "No, I guess not."
So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!
St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "I thought you weren't going to let him get away with lying?"
Jesus replies: "I'm not."
St. Peter then says, "Well, he just made a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!"
Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, "Yes, but who is he going to tell???"
Submitted by Richard Baluyot
3 old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!
For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40' put to sink for par. "I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt", she exclaims.
Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first only man says, "hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches right of the hole."
The second says, "No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!"
The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, "Ah, it's a gimme!"
Submitted by Paul J. Levy
The man that invented 'golf' and said it was 'fun' is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes' and said it was 'Music'.
Submitted by Al Moore
A golfer is lining up his putt on the eighth green one morning when a funeral procession drives by. He immediately stops, removes his cap and bows his head until the procession passes.
One of his playing partners is impressed by this show of respect and comments on it to which the golfer replies "It's the least I can do, after all, we had been married for 28 years."
Submitted by David L. DuBose
A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years.
"Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch.
"That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims.
"Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar.
"This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air.
As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?"
"Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"
Submitted by Gary L. Stewart
Two new neighbors were paired up to play a round together. They were playing behind two ladies who were playing rather slowly. One of the guys suggested that his buddy go ask them if they could play through.
When the first guy returned he explained that he could not say anything because one of the ladies was his wife and the other his mistress.
The second guy proceeded to walk up the fairway but retuned before reaching the ladies explaining he had the same problem.
Submitted by I. J. Cohen
Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. When they came to a hole with a water hazard in front of the green, Moses told Jesus to lay up short and chip to the green.
Jesus said "Arnold Palmer can make the green from here, so can I."
Jesus shot and landed in the water. Jesus said "Darn", walked on the water,reached in and got his ball. He walked back, dropped his ball and swung again. Again he landed in the water.
After Jesus retrieved his ball for the third time, Moses again told him to lay up short but, Jesus wouldn't listen, insisting that if Arnold could make it so could he.
After hitting the ball for the fourth time, he went to go get it. While he was standing on the water two golfers came over the hill. One shouted at Moses, "Who does he think he is, Jesus"?.
"No" shouted Moses, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer".
Submitted by Robert James
A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.
Well, needless to say the man didn't play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn.
Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said,"No..look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green."
The man said " Are you kidding me? Don't you know what happened last time I tried that shot?"
The friend looked puzzled. "What happened?"
"I took a 7".
Submitted by Wayne A. Lynch
One morning on the first tee, two guys ,who apparently had not any arranged playing partners, looked at each other and one asked the other if he would like to play a round together?
The other guy looks at him and says, "Yes, I would as long as you don't mind my little dog coming along with us!"
"Heck No" the other says, and so off they go... They make the turn and get to the thirteenth green. The guy with the dog has a 30 ft. putt side hill, downhill. He addresses the ball and sends it on its way. It goes out and turns toward the hole and goes right dead center of the hole and drops in. The guy's little dog jumps up on his hind legs and starts to dance.
Well, seeing this trick the guy looks at the dogs owner and says "Wow! That's a smart dog you have there! What would he do if you had missed the putt??"
"Oh well", he exclaims, "he does somersaults!"
"Somersaults!" exclaims the other guy, "how many does he do?"
"Well," says the dogs owner "....that depends on how hard I kick him!!!"
Submitted by Sue McGurran
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine who are superior - Jews or Catholics - by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
Submitted by Patrick Murphy
Joe: Bill,what do you do when there is a thunderstorm on the golf on the golf course?
Bill: I hold my 1 iron straight up in the air.
Bill: Because,even GOD couldn't hit a 1 iron!
Submitted by Robby Dunn
An ardent golfer visited the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortune teller replied: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
"What's the good news?", asked the golfer.
"The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are the most beautiful you could imagine!"
Amazed, the golfer asked "How could there be any bad news with that?"
The fortune teller said: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?
It's still your turn!
One day a prospective member came to an exclusive country club and wanted to try out the course before he joined. When he asked about a caddy, the club pro told him all were taken. But they did have three experimental robot caddies that looked like R2D2 from Star Wars.
He explained that each would follow you on the course. It would carry everything, including an umbrella and drinks, it would track your shot, keep score and find your ball, estimate the club that you needed based on your previous shots, and would warn you of all hazards and obstacles ahead of you.
The prospective member agreed to try one, and went on to shoot the best round of his life. He came back, joined the club, and made a tee time for the next week.
When he returned, he asked for the robot caddy, but was told they were no longer available. Of course, he asked what happened.
The pro told him that one day,the sun reflected off the shiny surface of the robot into the eyes of a bus driver, who ran off the road and had an accident in which several children were injured, so they couldn't send them out again.
Well," the new member said, "why don't you just dress them with some of those clothes left in the locker room all the time to cover up the shiny parts?"
"We tried that," the pro replied, "but one thought he was Paine Stewart and wouldnt caddy for anyone unless they were wearing knickers, one thought he was Fuzzy Zoeller and wanted to just tell everyone about himself and his career, and one thought he was Greg Norman -- he keeps humming the theme from Jaws and we can't get him out of the water hazard on number 7."
Playing golf for the first time with a new acquaintance, we were on the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left.
My new playing partner takes out a brand new sleeve of balls, tees one up and immediately hits it into the water on the right.
Seemingly unconcerned, he takes another ball from the sleeve and hits it into the ravine. Then he takes the last ball from the sleeve and hits it into the water.
Going back to his bag, he reaches in and pulls out another brand new sleeve of balls.
"Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
"I've never had an old ball", he replied.
Harry got home from his round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked him.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Barney had a heart attack and died on the 11th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Barney, hit the ball, drag Barney."