Plugged In The Hazard Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf
Neat Things You Can Do With Yourself When Watching Golf On TV
Generally when you turn on the TV these days to watch a PGA golf tournament you are privileged to witness a tall, sinewy, young man with black - make that blonde hair kick the ever loving s--- out of everyone. Sometimes it's fun to watch that, but often when a guys winning a golf tournament by 43 shots with five holes to play some of the drama is gone - weird. Don't worry though. If you must watch, there are other productive things that you can do as you witness history unfold - again. In fact, it can be a wonderful opportunity to explore yourself and some neat things you never knew you could do, or can't do, with yourself.
You're probably wondering just where in the world I'm going with this. Don't worry, I've got it all under control. Although you may feel I've completely lost whatever tact and virtue I've got remaining, trust me when I say this article will leave you more "in tune" with yourself. It may even enlighten you on some talent you never knew you had. Perhaps you will be able to bless others with your new skills in the coming weeks. It may even prove to assist you on the golf course.......What? Read on.
Neat Thing #1 - See if You Can Smell Your Feet
How: Grab your smelly, bunioned, corned up foot with both hands and see how close to your nose you can shove it. First the right, then the left.
Potential Benefit: By doing this human pretzel impersonation you will inadvertently be improving your lower body flexibility - most specifically your buttocks and glutes. This will help you put your tee in the ground and pick your ball out of the hole much more effectively.
Warning: Don't pull so hard that your knee explodes and/or your lower leg becomes severed from your body. In cases where the feet smell like fly-infested, road-killed skunks which have been baking in the Arizona sun for three days, nose plugs are a good idea and may prevent asphyxiation.
Neat Thing #2 - Stick Two Pens In Your Nostrils And Stick Out Your Belly
How: Slowly insert a couple of Bics (or a couple of those nice wooden ones you got for being in your cousin's wedding party, which you never use) into your nasal cavities and push out your belly as hard as you can with your abdominal muscles. Good work my friend, you're now a walrus.
Potential Benefit: There are two ways you can approach this: 1) Putting on this disguise will make it easier for you to envision being Craig Stadler. This will allow you to practice thinking like a pro more easily. Put yourself in his shoes..... Visualize good shots.....you're a pro......feel the moment.......you're a world class player.....and so forth. 2) Sticking out your stomach and holding it will give your abdominal muscles a workout. Strong abs are vital in creating torque and speed in the swing.
Warning: People have killed themselves by inserting objects too forcefully into their nasal passages. It is completely possible to impale your brain with your "tusks". Be careful, and whatever you do, don't fall down on your face or you'll be singing with Saint Peter when you wake up.
Other things to consider doing could be:
Flatulate to the beat of your favorite rap song (of which there really is no benefit - other than it will sound better) grab your eyelids and see how long it takes for your eyes to dry out (not as fun as it sounds) clip your toe nails and make a craft with them (be careful with the ingrown ones) clean out your navel lint (if you've been watching Martha Stewart you'll know that it should be perfectly possible to make a nice craft combining both the fuzz and the clippings - good luck).
Keep in mind that it is entirely possible to enjoy a good old-fashioned "blow out" with your undivided attention. However, if you're one of those people who like your golf to come down to the wire.......you better start practicing some personal hygiene during telecasts. You'll save yourself a few precious minutes in the morning as an added reward.