Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

See Dick, See Dick Golf, See Jane Run

Dick was not just a runner. Early accounts of Dick indicate that he also went to school, went skipping with Jane, rummaged through the fallen leaves, played golf, played with his dog "Spot"and cleaned up his poop (Spot's poop, not his poop. There is no written account of Dick cleaning up his own…ah forget it).

For the underprivileged who have never read a Dick And Jane reader, these literary masterpieces depict a young boy by the name of Dick, and his cute little friend, Jane, prancing around town doing all the cool things which kids used to like doing. These days, the Dick And Jane reader would go something like this…

See Dick.
See Dick play Nintendo.
See Dick kill all the Ninjas and get the high score.
See Dick sniff glue while playing video games.
See Jane.
See Jane's face caked with makeup.
See Jane's tattoo just above her left buttock.
See Jane dress like a Britney Spears wannabe… and so on.

What many people don't realize is that a key chapter of the reader was never published. It was the chapter on Dick going golfing. Golf wasn't all that big when Dick and Jane were growing up so the editor had second thoughts and decided to "kill it" just before it went to print. A short time ago this chapter was discovered and it went like this…

See Dick.
See Dick with his new set of golf clubs.
See Jane scowl because she hates golf and gets really vindictive when
Dick wants to go to the golf club with the boys.
See Dick grab his sticks and head out the door.
See Jane throw a pot at Dick's head as he leaves.
See Dick go to the beer store.
See Dick load up his cooler with ice and speed to the course.
See Dick slash it around with his thirty-six handicap.
See and hear Dick use very abusive language as he shanks
the ball all day long.
See Dick come home from the round very disgusted.
Smell Dick. Dick stinks like beer and cheap cigars.
Hear Dick tell Jane all about his lousy game.
See Jane not give a rat's ass what Dick shot.
See Dick golf.
See Jane run.

In reading this new found chapter it becomes apparent as to why the editor decided to leave it out of the finished manuscript. A few notes were scribbled down on the editor's rough draft of this chapter, indicating that a few potential problems were conceivable. For example, a few of the notes read "What kind of beer was Dick drinking? Did Dick buy a six pack? Was it a case of 24? Why isn't there a record of Dick throwing golf clubs? Surely Dick would have been throwing clubs if he had the shanks all day. It doesn't make any sense…"

I'm a firm believer in teaching our kids to become respectable, responsible, and literate people. I agree with the editor's decision to exclude the chapter on golf. Perhaps a little more thought could have gone into the "golf chapter" so it would have been more believable. A sentence like "See Dick gawk at the hot chick on the beverage cart" would have fit in nicely. There is also no mention of other members in Dick's foursome. More character development in this area would have made the manuscript stronger. At any rate, I must get going now. It appears as if my five-year-old just beat my high score on my favorite video game, "Slaughter All The Bad Ninjas". I must seek revenge.

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