Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

Golf Injuries

A few years ago I joined ten billion other guys in watching a Sunday afternoon football game. A guy by the name of Joe Theismann was playing quarterback. In the third quarter Joe went back to throw a pass and a cement-truck, a.k.a. defensive lineman, came at him grunting, flailing, and foaming at the mouth. A few other cement-trucks and a whole lot of testosterone converged on Joe and Joe went down. Unfortunately for Joe, one of the cement-trucks landed on his leg and it snapped like a stick. Ten billion guys grimaced and took another swig of Bud. The three women that were watching screamed and fainted. Joe had sustained an injury.

Golf is a wonderful sport because of so many things. I’m so thankful that golf is a sport in which compound fractures, getting poked in the eye, or getting blindsided by cement-trucks are rare occurrences. Golf is also a sport that you can rigorously partake in for five hours and burn only four calories. I like that too.

I’m going to go out on a limb here (one that has never been snapped) and say that one of the reasons why golf has such widespread appeal is because of its “safe” nature. For example, think of the oldest living person you know, who plays golf. Now imagine if every other time that person (let’s call him “Bob”) pegged it up, a four hundred and thirty pound opponent (foaming profusely at the mouth) would charge Bob and clothesline him, sending him violently to the turf. I just bet that Bob, after he came to, wouldn’t really like that very much and might decide to take up bridge, lawn bowling, or playing with his dentures in a non-threatening environment. Just a hunch.

This is not to say that you will never succumb to injury while playing golf. Injuries happen from time to time in any sport. In fact, one time my buddy Rob sprained his finger playing poker. In golf, however, rarely do we see the paramedics running onto the course with stretchers in hand. Some of the most likely scenarios in which you might suffer an injury while playing golf would be…

    #1 – Eating Too Many Hotdogs At The Turn

    Just like your leg doesn’t like feeling the weight of four linemen, your stomach doesn’t like feeling the weight of fifteen hot dogs. Use caution when eating the “mystery meat.”

    #2 – Getting Run Down By A Powercart

    Sometimes people make their playing opponents very mad. Sometimes these playing opponents take things a little too far. Try to be nice to your opponents and you increase your chances of making it through the round without having tread marks tattooed on your forehead.

    #3 – Falling Off The Powercart

    I’ve done this only four times. Thankfully, each time I escaped with only minor flesh wounds. On my stag my pal Dave escaped with major flesh wounds. He’s OK now.

    #4 – Getting Struck With A Ball, Club, Or Both

I hate it when people yell “fore” after the golf ball has already been imbedded into the skull. Likewise, standing too close to someone making a swing can reap you a permanent “Northwestern” emblem on an area where your girlfriend’s name would have done just fine.

If you’re like me, then you like your golf sans smelling salts, head casts, and broken bones. Unlike the NFL, NHL, and Nascar, I’d like to see golf remain a sport where wearing protective headgear is completely optional. Because the only thing I need to see charging at me on the golf course is the beverage cart.

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Bath Golf Package
Dates: May 12, 2017 - September 17, 2017
Twenty-seven holes of Championship Golf — rated 4 1/2 out of 5 stars by Golf Digest and listed among the top 200 "Places to Play." This 500 acre track will provide you the opportunity to use every club in your bag. Classic Jerry Matthews layout...
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