Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

Golfing With The Rug Rats

As our kids grow into louder, more destructive members of society many of them will take it upon themselves to uproot plants, eat gravel, and openly play with themselves in public. We can count on this. Many of them will also decide to take up arms (or titanium 3-woods) and mercilessly invade golf courses all across the country. This is when it really gets interesting.

I’m not entirely opposed to the idea of our youth playing the game of golf. After all, six years ago I made a youth myself (I had some help). I am, however, opposed to hair pulling, back-talking, and the creation of gigantic murals depicting dinosaur feeding frenzies (on walls, ceilings, doors, etc.) with markers darn near impossible to erase. If only my six-year-old would be interested in sketching a picture of Jack Nicklaus at impact - or Ben Hogan hitting a one-iron! If that were the case, perhaps I wouldn’t be so inclined to send him to his bedroom for eight weeks without the privilege of being able to play Nintendo. I’d forego food and water, however, taking away video games for two months is much more effective.

I’ve actually come to realize that playing golf with my boy is somewhat invigorating. To begin with, whenever I play golf with him, I usually beat him by about 108 shots. I like that. To me, winning is what it’s all about. He’s good for my confidence - I like that too. After winning a match, my instinctive reaction is to rub it in saying, “Na, na, na, na, na, I’m better than you-u!” In fact, I did that to him once and he proudly came back with “Yeah, but can you soil your pants five times in one day?” I shut up after that.

As a father, I’ve come to realize that there are a few do’s and don’ts when golfing with your kids. Here are a few rules…

  • #1 - Don’t Spank After A Bad Shot

    The only time I’ve ever spanked my boy is when he threw my remote control over the balcony (it was during NHL playoffs - give me a break). Every now and then kids need to be disciplined, or in the case of my neighbor’s little brat - 24/7. What you need to realize is that spanking on the golf course is not proper golf etiquette. Spank the ball, not the bum.

  • #2 - No Suds For Dad

    As a pure-blooded Canadian male, I generally don’t pass up a chance to sip a cool, frosty, Moosehead when watching NHL playoff hockey. However, I pass on the suds while golfing with my boy.

  • #3 - Play It As It Lies: On The Tee, In The Pocket, Skip This Hole, Kick It Here, Throw It There, etc.

    Any kid under six has the option of using illegal clubs, balls, and a tee anywhere he/she deems acceptable (no doubt they’ll exercise their freedom in this capacity with plenty of liberalism). In addition, if I’m going to beat my boy by 114 shots the least I can do is give him a slight advantage on those long holes. One yard ahead of the championship tee markers doesn’t quite do it.

  • #4 - 54 Holes In One Day Should Be Satisfactory

    Kids wear out quick. My boy is good for two-and-a-half holes. That’s it. If there’s a hot chick riding around in the beverage cart, sometimes he can make it for three. I’m not a big fan of parents forcing their kids to play a full 18 holes (or even 9), before they can get the ball airborne. After an hour my boy and I are eating hot fudge sundaes and throwing pickles at each other at the local fast food joint.

Golfing with your kids isn’t something to rejoice about. It’s something to rejoice in. Your kids are your most precious gifts. Treat them well. When they shank, skull, duff, and chop their way around the course catch them off guard by giving them a “high-five” for their accomplishment. Who knows, maybe they’ll let you beat them by 108 shots next time you peg it up with them.

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