Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

You Are What You Golf

I recently watched a program in which a golf student proclaimed his teacher knew what a person was like by watching him/her play golf. In other words, this particular instructor focused intently on his student’s golf game, then used his telepathic ability to delve into the person’s psyche and make bold assumptions about their character. I didn’t buy it.

Then I thought about it. It started making a little bit of sense. For example, my dad could watch me play golf and confidently state, “Son, judging by your golf game - it appears that when you were sixteen years old I allowed you to borrow my car and it came back littered with beer bottle caps and cigarette butts. This led me to believe you likely had an exploratory problem with some of society’s most common vices”. And my twin sister could offer, “Andrew, as I overlook your golf swing, it is evident that you are the type of guy that would solicit a wrestling match with your twelve year old twin sister and proceed to perform stunning, yet dangerous, maneuvers on your victim concluding in bloody noses and confinement to your bedroom”. Amazing.

You might say that this doesn’t count. After all, family has an unfair advantage in making these assumptions. Perhaps.

All of the sudden a light went on. I recalled playing golf with a weird kid in college. He frequently showcased his twisted behavior in the form of severe temper tantrums and outrageously foul and creative word usage. In fact, he found more usage’s for the f-word than any person I’ve ever known is. He was so good at it he once concocted a sentence exclusively using the f-word as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, dangling participle, pronoun, and dangling-expletive. Then I put two and two together. This kid hadn’t been schtoinked and was sexually frustrated, hence the over-usage of the f-word.

Whew! I was starting to catch on. I spent some time thinking about the issues at hand and more enlightenment came my way in other situations where one’s demeanor or golfing ability can dictate who a person really is. Here they are...

Trait #1 - If you have a severe problem with “fear” when you attempt a shot over water...

What it really means - This is strong indication that liquid things are “gripping” you. You could have a drinking problem. You may also have a bladder infection. Seek medical attention.

Trait #2 - If you consistently hit “fat” shots and “chili-dip” your chips and pitches...

What it really means - You have some kind of fixation with food. It could be an eating disorder or perhaps you simply don’t maintain a diet properly proportioned with the four food groups (i.e. Beer and Nachos is not considered a food group).

Trait #3 - If you consistently find you putts “lipping out”...

What it really means - You have a problem with your mouth. Either you get too “lippy” or you’re just a “rude” person - plain and simple.

Trait #4 - If you consistently use creative versions of the “f word”…

What it really means - O.k. So you already know what this one means. Just as a reminder - this could be any form of sexual frustration and is not necessarily limited to a complete lack thereof (of sex, that is - not sexual frustration). Now I’ve got you thinking.

Trait #5 - If you often hit “pop-ups” off the top of your club-face, sending the ball straight up in the air, forcing you to strain your head upwards towards the heavens to watch your ball fly...

What it really means - God is trying to communicate with you. Not only is he telling you that you stink at golf, he’s also beckoning you to pray to Him more often regarding all areas of your life.

Trait #6 - If your golf ball seems to magnetically be attracted to bushes and trees lining a fairway...

What it really means - You’re probably trying to “hide” from things that are bothering you. Face your problems head on. You could also be a Buddhist who will reincarnate as a plant in the next life. Either way - it’s not looking good.

You know the saying "You are what you eat"? Well, “You are what you golf” too. Take heed my friend, and examine the signs. It’s not like the occasional slice is something to take lightly. At first glance a regular slicer may say “Big deal! This has no bearing on my character”. However, the truth of the matter is that regular slicers repeatedly find the “right” side of the golf course and are therefore budding “right winged extremists”. I bet you didn’t know that either. Lefties, well, that’s another story.

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