I haven't golfed since an early November trip to sunny Portugal, so my itch is spreading a bit. Imagine my glee when at the ESPN Zone just off Michigan Ave. in downtown Chicago boasted a putting simulator amongst its plethora of sports video games and simulations.

But the thing is a joke. I didn't waste my points (it wanted 12, which is a jip. 60=$15). It also has an old, tiny blade putter that old-schoolers like Gene Sarazen might call low-rent attached to the machine with a rope.

Other flaws in the game include a lack of importance on lag putting since every putt is about 15 feet. It also seemed like the artificial surface hadn't been groomed in weeks and balls (rock-hard generic brands) didn't roll true.

I didn't waste my time, though I did observe a child play it once with little enthusiasm. He had more animated facial expressions at Slap Shot Hockey and a more competitive spirit at fooseball. He later enjoyed his chocolate milkshake and cheese fries downstairs afterwards. His father, after looking at the bill with a grimace, tipped meagerly.

I wouldn't give this overpriced excuse for a golf gizmo two looks. Consider the value-laden Pop-a-Shot (four points per game), numerous air hockey tables or the dancing simulator that can offer these chubby, A.D.D.-riddled bastards at least a small workout.

Quite frankly, this thing is a sad excuse for Putt-Putt.

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