By Brandon Tucker,
In a development that has shocked the sporting world, Tiger Woods has announced he will shut it down for the remainder of the 2009 PGA Tour season.
Following his win at Bay Hill Sunday in Orlando, Woods met with his training staff and reported stiffness in his knee. A specialist concluded the left knee he had surgery on after the U.S. Open in 2008 had again been damaged.
Woods released this statement today, April 1:
"I'm obviously disappointed the knee has failed to heal completely, especially since I was coming off a great win at Bay Hill and eager to return to the Masters at Augusta National and compete in the remainder of my 2009 schedule.
"But I'm looking forward to spending some time at home with Elin and watching Sam and Charlie grow."
Commenting on the startling news to a group of reporters in Tucson, Jack Nicklaus said, "It looks like my majors record is safe. I've been telling you guys all along the guy couldn't go a whole career swinging like a mad man."
PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem was spotted in an airport bar in Orlando, visibly crying into a glass of bourbon.
Reached for comment at his home in Scottsdale, Phil Mickelson said: "I'm sorry to hear about Tiger, but at least this means Steve Williams will be out of work awhile."
NBC Sports announced shortly following the news they would not carry the remainder of events on their schedule, citing an "implied 'Tiger Clause'" that voids their five-year deal with the PGA Tour, which promptly issued a lawsuit against NBC-Universal.
According to the network, the tour's weekend time slots have been replaced with a new sports reality show: "Fat guy sitting on a dock fishing in his underwear."
The golf world will now have to endure four more major championships where no real winner will be crowned, and wonder whether the world's most famous athlete will ever return.
"I don't think Tiger wants to go under the knife again," predicted surgeon Martin Pulachek. "And quite frankly, I think he's already exhausted all options.
"But I don't think we've seen the last of Tiger. He's a fine poker player ..."
In related news, it was also announced April 1 that Michelle Wie and John Daly have been offered sponsor's exemptions to each of the remaining events on the 2009 PGA Tour schedule.
April 1, 2009
Any opinions expressed above are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of the management. The information in this story could not be confirmed at the time of publication. If you have any questions we suggest you check the dateline. Happy April Fools Day!