TULSA, Okla. - Another Sunday, Bloody Sunday for Tiger Woods. This guy is more reliable on Sunday than Oral Roberts.
Woods is now 13-0 and counting in Sunday major golf tournaments, having never lost a major when he took his lead with him to Sunday. This Sunday was no different when he cruised to a business-as-usual win at the 89th PGA Championship, holding on to his Saturday lead and winning by two strokes, and thereby giving him his only major of the year.
So what do you do now, if you're a pro and facing Woods on a major Sunday? Give up? Concede? Say thank you very much and ask for your second-place check?
I say to you, don't give up. Rage, rage against El Tigre.
There are a number of things you can do to give yourself at least a prayer on Sunday, not that prayer would do much good. Against El Tigre, you must be ruthless.
You have to exploit his weaknesses. They are few, but they are there.
First of all, these suggestions should only be tried on a course that's long and straight, but with narrow, tree-lined fairways with water and punishing rough because Tiger can't hit a driver consistently, and I hope he doesn't hear me saying that.
• You need to steal that red shirt he always wears on Sundays. Seems to be superstitious about that.
• Discreetly and anonymously hand an envelope to him before he tees off of photos of his Swedish wife Elin with some of her former boyfriends. I have some if you need them.
• You need to somehow get the public to start referring to him as something other than "Tiger." That's just too intimidating. How about "Binky?" Concoct some lie from his childhood, as in "Earl used to call him 'Binky.' " every Sunday in church.
• Get a sports psychologist to somehow convince you you're better than he is. This may require the greatest sports psychologist who ever lived.
• Buy a baton and get in touch with Jeff Gilloly, Tanya Harding's ex-husband.
• Get better. A hell of a lot better.
• Get ahead. He can't come from behind.
• Kneel before him on the first tee, and start praying to "The Great God of Tigers." He obviously feeds off slights and insults, perceived or real. Witness Stephen Ames and Rory Sabbatini, who dared to question his greatness.Maybe he'll get rattled at such blatant groveling.
• Wait until he passes Jack Nicklaus' record. Jesus, maybe he'll ease up some then.
• Take steroids. Get juiced.
• Pull a Sergio Garcia on him. Put down incorrect scores on his card, then if he objects in the scorers' tent, say "Dude, what course were you playing?"
• Bribe a local sportswriter to write that Woods can't win on Sunday with one arm tied behind his back.
• Bribe Tim Finchem to pass a rule saying every player must play every event on the PGA Tour. Tiger tends to pick his spots because his intensity burns so brightly, so much more than the rest of humankind, he doesn't like to play two weeks in a row.
• Another rule: No cussing. He wouldn't have an emotional outlet.
• Another: Has to sign every autograph. Tiger hates fans.
• Hire hecklers, like the Yankees used to do when playing Hank Greenberg and the Tigers.
• Casually read the newspaper to him in the locker room before he tees it up: "I see here in the paper that Nike's going under."
• Get on Photo Shop and show him a picture of Elin 10 years earlier as a man.
• Get your wife to pose as daughter Sam Alexis' kindergarten teacher and pass him a note saying: "We here at the Kindergarten for Gods are concerned your child may be the Queen of the Netherworld."
Yes, I'm getting desperate.
As you should be.
August 13, 2007
Veteran golf writer Tim McDonald keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation.
Davis Love III, who played the final 57 holes of the Children's Miracle Network Classic without a bogey, finished at 25-under 263 in the season-ending event played at the Walt Disney World Golf Resort in Florida. It has been a long road back for Love, who severely sprained his ankle late last year. After tearing ligaments, he needed surgery, and he's spent much of this year rehabilitating the injury.
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