Do dimple-less golf balls work?

By Tim McDonald,
Contributor

The dimple-less golf ball seems to crop up every few years, when people have forgotten how ridiculous it was the last time it came around. They may fly a little straighter, but the distance you lose will completely offset any gain in your game.

Once and for all: Do not buy, use, sell, trade or even talk about dimple-less golf balls.

They don't work, unless you want to take your game from the back tees to the pink tees with your wife and a group of third-grade ballerinas in fluffy, white tutus.

Golf balls have dimples because God intended them to be that way. To suck the dimples off a golf ball is a sacrilege, even if it sounds like a good time.

Actually, if I may calm down for a moment, the original golf balls way back when were smooth as a baby's butt. But, golfers started experimenting, as golfers will do, with used balls. The old golf balls had scratches, dents and nicks, but the old-time duffers noticed they flew much further.

So, if I may sum up the history of the golf ball in a scientific way: They stuck dimples on them.

There is an aerodynamic principle at work here, which you and I will never understand, because, face it, it takes a degree of knowledge and/or intelligence.

Suffice it to say - and I had to look this up - dimples act as "turbulators." They induce turbulence in the layer of air next to the ball. In certain situations, this turbulence can reduce drag, according to people who at least call themselves scientists.

The golf ball finds itself in one of those situations.

Now, questions?

"Then why did you agree to test a sample of dimple-less golf balls, Mr. Answer Man?"

Answer: Because they were free, as opposed to buying them from companies like Caesar Featherie for $30 a sleeve!

In its defense, the company that sent me mine says out front you will lose 30 yards off the tee but gain accuracy. The company also says the ball may be better suited for scrambles and for using around the green, especially on the green, not off the tee or long approaches.

Actually, I lost much more than 30 yards. More like 100 yards.

So, if you want to play an 18-hole course of less than 500 yards, by all means, dump the dimple.

I waited until I had no playing partners to sample the first. She was a medium-length par 4 with a short water carry. I hadn't even noticed the water until the dimple-less golf ball plunged into it like earth's gravity had just multiplied tenfold.

The next day, I reached into my bag and pulled out a handful of golf balls, and the dimple-less ball managed to insinuate itself, like one of those bad horror movies made by teenagers. I have no idea how. I thought I had buried it deep enough.

One of my playing partners noticed it and stared at it like it was a three-headed monkey. I turned my head away, mortified.

"What the hell?"

I tried to laugh it off, and everybody sort of chuckled, but this one guy wouldn't let it go. The next hole, he tried it off the tee on a par 3. The thing went maybe 30 yards, and all laughter and hope died. Literally, no one said a word. It was as if the whole episode never happened.

Well, I tried it one more time - this time, I made sure no one was around - on a water hole with the same result. When that thing, my last dimple-less golf ball, splashed and sank evilly into the water, I felt released from a heavy burden, like Sisyphus reborn.

So, my friends, if you feel even a small, single nerve twinge when someone tries to hawk a dimple-less golf ball at you - and they will, because these people are relentless, and because all of us suckers are constantly looking for the slightest advantage - remind yourself what you have learned here today.

Dimple-less golf balls are the evil spawn of duster cat slippers, the self-saluting hat and the toilet paper folder.

Even if you see one at a PGA Show, you have two options: Either run away like a cat bit you or laugh demonically until the huckster asks you politely to leave.

September 4, 2008

Veteran golf writer Tim McDonald keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation.

Any opinions expressed above are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of the management.