Exclusive! Golf writer watches Manchester United beat Chelsea, finds it "boring"

DUARTE, California - In what has been called a first, an American golf writer has gone on record saying that soccer is “boring.” The historic words were written following Manchester United’s victory over rival Chelsea in the Champions League final. Manchester United won the game on penalty kicks.

WorldGolf.com writer Brandon Tucker made sports-writing history, according to experts, by becoming the first American to ever admit that he couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about soccer. In his blog post titled “Watching Champions League Final from Manchester: Soccer (football) is just as boring as ever,” Tucker also went on to question the mental prowess of English soccer fans, as well as offer dating tips.

“The reason soccer fans are so insane is because the match itself is always so much of a yawner, the only way to make things interesting is to get wholly pissed and incite your own drama,” wrote Tucker, currently resting comfortably in a Manchester hospital after being beaten soundly about the head and shoulders by irate English soccer fans. “It’s like drinking five martinis during a really boring date just to make the time go by faster.”

Calls to females who have dated Tucker to verify if he has used this martini-guzzling tactic were not returned.

The blog post - which many journalists agree deserve a super-special “spontaneous Pultizer” - took golf blogging to a higher, more sophisticated level when Tucker showed his personal side in discussing his own soccer career.

“The first time I took to the pitch was in first grade and the only exciting moment for me was the halftime oranges,” said Tucker.

Reacting to Tucker’s blog post, the International Orange Growers Association of America (IOGAA) released a brief statement that simply stated: “That was just a fantastic post. Eat more oranges.”

Prior to writing the ground-breaking blog post, Tucker spent time in the UK, playing golf at such locations as Nefyn & District Golf Club in Nefyn, Wales and the Church Course at St. Enodoc Golf Club in Southwest England.

Still, while fans anxiously await Tucker’s reviews of the golf courses he played in the UK, others are praising him for his originality and fearlessness.

“Soccer, Jesus, how dull is that,” said Percy Sanchez, a golf blogger that writes under the pseudonym of Cheap Bastard. “Golf and baseball, now those are sports. Four hours of watching people occasionally hit balls while taking extended breaks. Those are sports we can all appreciate.”

–WKW