Tavistock Cup delayed nearly three hours - Federal Reserve vows to give back rich attendees the time they lost

The Tavistock Cup, an exclusive tournament that you shouldn’t even know or think about, played at a destination you’ll never see by golfers you’ll never actually meet and watched by elite humans who wouldn’t spit on you if you were aflame, was delayed nearly three hours, due to rain delay that affected play at the CA Championship in Doral.

Tiger Woods was one of the players that was forced to finish his final round on Monday, but he managed to get to the Tavistock Cup venue (which is in Florida, and that’s all you need to know) for his tee time at the uber-exclusive event.

The Tavistock Cup, run by secretive billionaire Joe Lewis, is run by and for the pleasure of ultra-rich corporate executives who were none to pleased by the delay.

“Time is money, I say,” said one executive while lighting a cigar with a $100 bill and smacking around a young waiter for not pouring him the correct amount of Goldschläger. “My Hummer is idling and we paid these golfers enough to show up on time!”

When reached for comment, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said the Federal Reserve - a co-sponsor of the event this year - will bail out all the executives at the event with non-recourse loans of four extra hours to make up for their lost time.

“If we allow these men to have their time wasted, we’re risking the economic freedom of every human on the planet, and we just can’t allow that,” said Bernanke, who refused to explain exactly how the government would give back the time. “Really, all Americans will benefit from this bail out.”

Nonetheless, play will finish tomorrow at the Tavistock Cup, which this year has the motto of “All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.”

–WKW