Golfer Supremacy Rankings cash in on Tiger Woods' nipples, George Soros', Laura Norman's money
It takes a lot to get our attention here at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings, where our days are spent living the high life off the innumerable bribes sent in on nearly a daily basis by golfers who want to be No. 1.
Of course, we here at the GSR’s don’t play that way. Sure, we take the money, what, you think we’re idiots? But just because we cash the checks, don’t think for a second that means we’ll allow anyone to influence important decisions. No, we have unbreakable ethics here, and would never allow anyone to buy off the beliefs we hold so dearly.
It may not matter to others in the media, but to us, all we have is our integrity. And that can never be bought. For the most part.
Golfer Supremacy Rankings
1. George Soros
Comments: Combining a deft touch around the green with deep pockets, it only makes sense that Soros would moveon to the top spot on the GSR’s. While some may cry foul, there’s no evidence whatsoever of any of his money being directed to the Golfer Supremacy Rankings, which considers itself a center for American progress in its own right no matter how much we lean left.
Breaking 100 on a regular basis, Soros has a far better short game than Bill O’Reilly, and has earned his spot on top of these charts purely with his mad skills, and by having delightful personal checks with adorable duckies adorning them.
2. Tiger Woods’ nipples
Comment: You’d think that coming in tied for second at a brutal U.S. Open and having your first child born in consecutive days would get the world to take their eyes of a guy’s well-formed man teats. Not so in the world of the erect Eldrick, who cashed in and dazzled an endless array of bloggers and writers with his eclectic, and somewhat erotic choice of Sunday shirts at Oakmont.
3. Laura Norman
Comments: If ever a woman benefited from her husband sleazily cavorting around with Chris Evert, it’s Laura Norman, who will see her bank account grow by $100-125 million after hubby Greg’s mid-life crisis. In the end, it likely won’t matter much to the Great White Shark, but we here at the GSRs promise to laugh like hell when Chrissie dumps his wrinkly butt for some Bolivian cabana boy. And we’d just like to let the former Mrs. Norman know one thing - your route to No. 1 is just a check or money order away.
4. Hunter Mahan
Comments: Is it fair that Mahan gets ranked fourth in the GSR’s after securing his first career PGA Tour win? Probably not, but kudos to the 25-year-old for beating Jay Williamson in a playoff to take home the Travelers Championship. We expect big things from Mahan in the future, especially with that $1 million-plus check he got for his victory. Hint. Hint.
Honorable Mention: Just a bit of advice for Telus, and their new role as the sponsors of the Skins Game - If you’re gonna give mediocre golfers mad bank to play in meaningless tournaments, you may want to toss a few bucks to mediocre golf writers to give you some play in a meaningless rankings system. Just saying.
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