Golfer Supremacy Rankings: Morgan Pressel and capitalism refuse to be denied

We here at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings are more than willing to do whatever it takes to make a buck. We are capitalists, through and through. So when Halliburton asked us to rank their employees based on overall whorishness, greediness, and fashion, we eagerly agreed. Because we are a golf ranking system for the people. Unless someone forks over enough money. Then screw you guys.

But we’re back and stronger than ever, ready to rank after a week of golf that saw a little bit of everything, and proved that in the LPGA, the threats were real and youth - in the form of Morgan Pressel - is ready to be served.

Golfer Supremacy Rankings

1. Morgan Pressel

Comments: The teen showed her stuff at the Kraft Nabisco Championship, becoming the LPGA’s youngest major champion, after she went her final 25 holes without a bogey, and Norway’s Suzann Peterson collapsed, losing four shots to part in her final three holes. The book “Morgan Pressel: The Making of a Champion, I’m Serious This Time” by Jennifer Mario is due to hit bookshelves on April 17.

2. Tiger Woods

Comments: By beating an elite field in front of an elite crowd at the elite Tavistock Cup, Tiger again showed why his eliteness is far beyond the most elite of the other elite. Woods won the individual portion of the event, while his Isleworth team lost the overall title to Lake Nona. To show there was no hard feelings, however, all players involved retired to the clubhouse in a sign of sportsmanship, sharing drinks while lighting cigars from the burning hair of the poor and unworthy. Woods pocketed $500,000 for his win, but the real prize is the money that will go to charity, as well as the $6.5 million Tiger will get for designing a putt-putt course on the yacht of Tavistock overlord Joe Lewis.

3. Adam Scott

Comments: Scott continues to cement his spot as one of the world’s top golfers and keeps hope alive that he may eventually become Tiger’s big competition, after taking home the Houston Open. More than anything, however, Scott’s victory helped keep Bubba Watson from winning. Sadly, a Watson win would have been a true nightmare for golf fans, as every course from Augusta to the new putt-putt course on Joe Lewis’ yacht would have been stretched to 9,500 yards as golf officials everywhere panicked over long hitters ruining the game.

Random Factoid: By falling apart over the final few holes, Norway’s Suzann Petersen helped out sports editors and readers everywhere, who had been preparing to spell her name: Suzanne Pettersen, Suzanne Peterson, Suzann Peterson, Jacqueline Susanne, Michelle Wie, Michelle Wie-Petterson, Suzann Ochoa, Annika Pettersen, Susanne Petterson, or any of numerous other misspellings.

–WKW