Using steroids a no-brainer at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings

Here at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings, we go through steroids like a diabetic goes through insulin, and we have testicles the size of a proton to prove it. We do it gladly, however, because we want to be the most powerful golf rankings system in the known universe.

We also do it because we know you, the sports-loving public, could really care less that we’re jacked up, so long as we produce the goods. Basically, we are following the NFL’s ultra-successful model of “wink, wink, nudge, nudge, let’s occasionally give someone a four-game suspension then invite them to the Pro Bowl.”

Because really, who amongst you care if an athlete is ripped on ‘roids? Sure, many will die young when their brains explode, but who really needs a bunch of old athletes wandering the planet on gimpy knees anyway? No, the American public wants the best action science can provide, whether it be football, baseball, pro wrestling or the latest Rocky flick. And that same public demands that their favorite athletes be completely dishonest about it all, as well.

And we totally agree with the Tim Finchem approach of “don’t ask, don’t tell, why would we do steroids. Because we see no reason why golfers would want to enhance their strength, speed, endurance, ability to overcome injury, etc. No, golfers are special people, entirely devoted to their craft and unconcerned about massive paydays. That’s why we feel we need the extra boost in performance to be able to rank them as well as possible.

Golfer Supremacy Rankings

1. Tim Finchem

Comments: Faced with pressure from a bunch of pencil-necked whiners, Finchem had this to say about the possibility of steroids in golf: “I have no evidence of players taking steroids in this sport,” Finchem said. “What I do have is a firm belief that when our players understand the rules, they follow the rules.” And Finchem is absolutely correct - golfers are better humans than every other athlete in the world. And sure, maybe there’s some missed logic when a guy who doesn’t test his players for steroids tells you that “there’s no evidence,” but that’s why we love Finchem. Logic means little when you’re a wide-eyed optimist.

2. Carolyn Bivens

Comments: Just like a woman. back in November, Bivens caved to fringe group of back-pimple-hating babies who want commissioners of sports to care about the integrity of their game. By instigating a drug-testing plan in 2008, Bivens showed she’s one of those hands-on types we all hate. “While we have no evidence to date that any of our players are using performance-enhancing drugs, we need to have a very clear policy and a program in place,” Bivens said. “We want to take a proactive role.” So while we applaud Bivens for trotting out the “we have no evidence” line, we soundly reject her mommy-state attitude. If the juice is good enough for Marion Jones, it’s good enough for the LPGA.

3. Craig Dolch

Comments: After Vijay Singh won the Arnold Palmer Invitational, Dolch jotted off a blog admitting that Singh would be more popular if he was just nicer to the press. Then he had a sob story about Singh parking in press row, while talking about a “lady in (Singh’s) car.” Then he repeated a “joke” that Singh had overcome cannibalism to get to where he is now. Then he said he didn’t respected Singh. So while Dolch is likely not actually on steroids, we totally give him props for having the paranoia and irrationality that come with taking them.

4. Richard Rydze

Comments: Does the physician of the Pittsburgh Steelers belong in a ranking of golfers? Of course not, but we’re so blinded by rage, lack of hair and paranoia, we could care less. Kudos go out to Rydze, the only NFL representative in the current steroid witchhunt powered by Sports Illustrated. This is a man deserving of respect, as he is obviously the main dealer for the 7,000 or so NFL players and hopefuls that down performance-enhancing drugs like they’re M&M’s.

Random Factoid: While we at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings scoff at the idea that kids would emulate their favorite steroid-abusing athlete, some obviously don’t share that concern. Like the Taylor Hooten Foundation for Fighting Steroid Abuse. From their Web site:

The Taylor Hooton Foundation was formed in memory of Taylor E. Hooton, a 17-year old high school athlete from Plano, Texas. Taylor took his own life on July 15, 2003 as a result of the abuse of anabolic steroids. This foundation was founded by the parents, family and friends of Taylor after his death when the founders became aware of the magnitude of a growing problem among high school athletes across the country the illegal use and abuse of anabolic steroids as a performance enhancement drug. They discovered that this is a serious problem among young athletes; and that young people and their parents are generally ignorant of the real dangers of this powerful drug.

You can find out more at their Web site here, or check about their 2007 golf tournament here.

–WKW