Golfer Supremacy Rankings: Jim Rutledge needs some bikini-girl mojo

We do things a little differently here at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings. We open our eyes wide and see the big picture. We are big-eyed, wide-picture watchers. If there’s a picture, and it’s big, you can count on us being there watching. If you see us wide-eyed … well, you get the picture.

So while so many pundits and ranking systems are spinning out of control because of Phil Mickelson’s victory at the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. It was a lovely win and all, but the fact that Lefty is now tied with Charley Hoffman for wins in 2007 means we’ll play it cool.

Because right now, the multi-million Golfer Supremacy Rankings super-computer (originally built for the $592 million U.S. Embassy in Iraq, but swiped off the truck) is spitting out one name - Jim Rutledge.

Yes, after years of battling to get his PGA Tour card, Rutledge has made his debut this year with a resounding thud. As we’re a golf rankings system that goes the extra mile, however, we computed a plan to help get the crazy Canuck back up to the, well, low middle area of the pack. Call it our “Advanced Bikini Babe Mojo Making” plan. Or not. Your call.

Golfer Supremacy Rankings

1. Juliana Paes



Comment: With Carnival fast approaching in Brazil, few Brasileiras match up to the sheer Carnival-Queen presence of the wonderfully curvy Paes (pronounced “Pies"). Slowly working her way into the minds of Hollywood producers, Paes is looking to go Salma Hayek all over the U.S. Until then, Samba lovers will be enjoying her stellar form wandering around a Sambadrome near them.

2. Jim Rutledge

Comments: Rutledge is the second oldest rookie in PGA Tour history, and the 47 year old has started the West Coast swing off like a creaky fence. In five events he’s failed to make a cut, and broken par in just three of 13 rounds. He’s at the bottom of nearly every important statistical category, from driving to putting.

We’re not giving up on Rutledge, however. After all, the man took 13 cracks at Q-school before finally earning his Tour card last year with a 14th-place finish on the Nationwide points list. So we know he’s not about to quit.

“I may have thought that it would never come around, but my family’s always been behind me, especially my wife and son,” Rutledge said in an nice article by Rob Longley of the Winnipeg Sun.

So we’re in Rutledge’s corner. And we can think of no better way to help a family man than to surround him by totally non-golf-related bikini babes in some weird, voodoo-type way to get him some mojo.

3. Kirstie Alley



Comments: Ok, this is a computer glitch of some sort. Damn stolen government super computer. Well, we’re not sure how being placed next to Alley will help Rutledge at all on the golf course, but heck, he’s a tough nut, he’ll think of something. On a side note, we have it from pretty good sources that Hell involves Kirstie Alley, Fran Drescher and Cybil Shepherd screaming at you to rub their feet. For eternity.

Honorable Mention 1: Tadd Fujikawa went out and won the Hawaii Pearl Open, meaning at 16, he’s now qualified for the U.S. Open, made the cut at a PGA Tour event, and won an event loaded with pros. Hold on to your hats, folks, this kid is going to be big.

Honorable Mention 2: Does Phil Mickelson’s win erase all the doubts about him following his U.S. Open collapse? No, but it sure erased a bunch of them. Lefty looked like Lefty again, and his apparent rededication to the driver should have him again take his rightful place as the World’s second-best golfer.

Honorable mention 3: By the way, Jessica Alba actually enjoys golfing and looks smoking in a bikini. Her extra mojo down here could be enough to counter react Kirstie Alley’s anti-mojo.

Honorable Mention 4: With a couple rounds to go at the ANZ Ladies Masters, Karrie Webb needed some mojo and said so. And after saying there were low scores on the course waiting, she went out and shot a course-record 62, and cruised home to her second consecutive 2007 victory. The LPGA season is now starting, and Webb enters it with mojo aplenty.

–WKW