If golfers fought, they wouldn't use the NBA's 'Float like a butterfly, flee like a sissy" approach

The NBA has been reeling recently after a melee between the New York Knicks and Denver Nuggets.

Now, while the NBA has been in damage control, trying desperately to avoid looking as though the league has a violence problem, the majority of fans have a much larger issue with the brawl - mainly, that NBA players have a penchant for fighting like teenage girls catfighting over a dude.

I mean, c’mon, Denver’s Carmelo Anthony - the NBA’s scoring leader for God’s sake - made better use of the “hit and sprint” than a cross between Muhammad Ali and Carl Lewis.

Sadly, fighting is completely frowned upon by the pristine corporate leaders of pro sports these days. Of course, for the most part, fights in team sports tend to just be comical. Outside of Nolan Ryan peppering Robin Ventura and Kermit Washington launching Rudy Tomjanovich into the third deck, most athletes involved in brawls these days seem to go with Anthony’s “Float like a butterfly, flee like a sissy” technique.

Because lets face it, like Bill Kristol, NBA players enjoy talking about fighting quite a bit, they just rarely ever actually do it. So when they actually get around to fighting, the results are hideous and poorly executed.

With the level of competition in sports, however, fighting is to be expected. It just saddens me that we’ll likely never see a free-for-all on the golf course. I mean, c’mon, every year you get several no-names coming from the Nationwide Tour or Q-School. They’re sitting 375th on the money list and totally expendable.

A scenario: It’s the final round of the Western Open - Tiger Woods has a nine-shot lead. With half-a-dozen holes to play, he birdies an easy par 4 and gives a patented fist pump. Paul Stankowski leaps from the sidelines and smacks Tiger in the Achilles tendon with a four-iron, screaming “Take that weak-ass shit out of here!”

It would horrifying I tell you. Golfers would be hurling clubs at each other, then sprinting for the clubhouse. Hair would be pulled. Women and children would cry. A Nike sniper would take out Stankowski. A bunch of golfers would be striking karate poses, hoping to fool everyone. It would be a nightmare. But it would be the greatest spectacle in the history of television.

OK, I know I’m dreaming here. Fighting and golf just don’t mix on a professional level. Too much etiquette and such. But believe you me, if golfers ever did go at it during a PGA event, they’d look a hell of a lot less spazzy than your average NBA basketbrawler.

–WKW