Military coup in Fiji hurts golf industry less than ESPN's Scoop Jackson hurts the literate

Taking my cue from ESPN.com columnist Scoop Jackson, I spent a good part of the morning working on a blog written from the perspective of a golf ball.

“Look at me, I’m a Maxfli Noodle. I have a soft-yet-durable Surlyn cover. Whoops, you just sliced me into a lake, glug-glug-glug … “

Then I realized it was a bit of a crap idea. Much like Jackson’s nearly 4,000-word column from the perspective of the new NBA basketball. It included such dynamic word play as:

“But I’ve tried to keep it exciting. I mean, purposely slipped out of Yao’s hand so that Lil’ 50 could block his shot. I allowed Wally and PP to score 35 apiece in one game against the Bobcats and it still took the Celts OT to win.”

The whirring sound you hear is Red Smith and Jim Murray simultaneously spinning in their graves. The typing sound is Mitch Albom writing about how the column makes him think about his dead kitten, Snuggles.

In a way, ESPN kind of reminds of me of one of those companies that spends about 5,000 percent too much on a computer set up and Web site. They’re old, they don’t know any better and they’re willing to just throw money at the problem, because they figure that’s what they’re supposed to do. (“C’mon ESPN, stop being so square, try the new Scoop Jackson, he may seem moronic and dyslexic to you, but the kids dig him.”)

There is a huge difference, however, between horrible editorial judgment, and just plain bad timing. Take this story from the Fiji Times, for instance - “Golf in Style at the Pearl” a PR story about the Pearl South Pacific Resort and Championship Golf Course:

“Golfers can play in Fiji’s only championship golf course, owned by the hotel, and designed by the renowned Robert Trent Jones Junior. This 18-hole, par-72 course is a challenging delight and is where Greg Norman won his first international championship and where Vijay Singh trained. Green fees are very affordable, yearly memberships are very reasonably priced, and corporate sponsorships and partnerships are available at various levels suiting different budgets and requirements. …

… The Pearl is the perfect getaway for day seminars away from the office, consecutive day conferences in a setting second to none, birthday parties, launches, Christmas parties and more.”

That was before what many regard as a travel agent’s worst nightmare - a military coup. Sadly, Singh’s home country is once again embroiled in chaos.

Military commander, Commodore Frank Bainimarama (who had the hit “Cruel Summer” in 1983), has “dismissed” Fiji’s prime minister, as the country now celebrates its fourth coup in 20 years.

So, if you were thinking of heading to play the Pearl, maybe you should rethink that and head to Jamaica instead. And while we feel bad for the bad timing suffered by the Fiji Times and the Pearl, we truly only hope for one thing - that Bainimarama make his way to ESPN headquarters and free them from the idiotic clutches of Scoop Jackson.

–WKW