Can golf turn the tide in Iran and the Middle East?

In a Middle East that has been nicely shaken, and stirred, Iran continues to be a big thorn in the world’s side. Actively striving to create a nuclear program, flexing its muscles in a chaotic region, endlessly threatening Israel and rattling its sabres for all to see, Iran has clearly come what many Western experts eloquently describe as - “A huge pain in the ass.”

But what to do about Iran? All-out war is a possibility, but the depression that could throw the planet into isn’t an attractive option. Plus, the U.S. is still busy next door in Iraq, frantically putting the finishing touches on making Iran’s former biggest enemy it’s biggest ally.

Diplomacy and sanctions are a possibility, but with the current U.S. philosophy that only friends and wimps engage in diplomatic relations, it seems unlikely the U.S. will bring much more to the negotiating table than a stern “Oh yeah, well screw you!”

Iran - it’s a complex issue. Even notable foreign policy experts like Henry Kissinger - who never met a foreign peasant whose blood he wouldn’t spill - is writing torturously long missives that basically come to the conclusion of “Hell, I don’t know.”

What’s most important to realize about Iran is this - logical debate will not be tolerated. If you aren’t fear mongering and pressing for immediate conflict, then you are a surrenderist thumb-sucker. Whether Iran, immigration, the economy, the environment or a host of other issues: this is a black-and-white world you live in, so take your thinking caps off and pick a side.

Of course, there may be at least one shade of gray in this situation – golf.

Yes, golf, slayer of Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay and Bob Ney and tamer of China, is working its way into the complex and dangerous world of Middle Eastern Diplomacy.

It seems golf is slowly taking root in Iran, according to a recent CNN article, “Axis of Eagle: How Iran fell for golf”:

“Golf is on the rise in Iran. What is arguably the ultimate Western sport has been gaining popularity in the Islamic Republic over the past few years.

In a country synonymous with religious fundamentalism, growing numbers of Iranians – both men and women – are now getting to grips with the fundamentals of their swing.

The ascendancy of golf in Iran has also been serving as a catalyst for the Iranian Tourism Organization to provide larger hotels across Iran with golfing facilities in an effort to encourage further foreign tourism.

Added to this, a billion dollar golf resort is currently in development, the first in the country for more than 30 years and one which will be, on completion, the biggest in the Middle East.”

Now that golf has a foothold in Iran, it’s only a matter of time before it swarms over the country like the plague. And with golf comes capitalism. And with capitalism comes more golf. It’s an endless cycle that eventually leads to peace, prosperity, and finally, massive appearance fees for Tiger Woods. For proof, take a look at Vietnam these days.

Seriously, have you ever tried sinking a 12-foot birdie putt with jihad on your mind? You can’t. You just can’t fit golf excellence and “slay the infidels” into one brain at the same time. It’s scientifically proven.

Even with golf, concessions will need to be made. So, hell, we give them their beheadings, let them enjoy their theocratic nonsensicalness and let golf do its job, women’s and civil rights be damned.

Golf. If it can keep Alice Cooper sober, it can solve huge international dilemmas. It is time for the U.S. to get to the negotiating table with Iran, and bring along plenty of free Nike golf equipment. Then we can all sit back and watch as the topic of conversation in Iran turns to correcting a slice, rather than enriching uranium.

–WKW