An important tip for all golfers: Beware of rugby players

As a longtime sports writer, I’m pretty well versed in all athletic endeavors from around the globe. Take rugby, for example. Rugby is a sport that I’ve studied, long and hard, for the several minutes since I came up with the idea for this blog.

While the game looks complicated, that’s due to the fact that it’s played mostly by Australians and New Zealanders, who make everything look more difficult than it really is. In truth, however, Rugby is a thrilling game, based on simple rules.

Rugby Rules & Facts

1. Up to 14 teams and 428 players can compete on the field at the same time during a rugby match.

2. Every team scores on every play.

3. Play is only stopped when a player is found to be dead, but then only if he happened to die on top of the ball.

4. You don’t really need a ball.

5. Some “scrums” can last for up to a month at a time.

6. Everyone who plays rugby can kick a ball 300 yards (metres) through a tube if you dared them.

7. They play rugby in the Unites States, but no one has any idea why.

8. All rugby players are, or were, cannibals.

9. All rugby players are forced to wear shorts that make everyone else feel uncomfortable.

Now, we had a game sort of like rugby in grade school. It was called “Smear the queer” We were young and naïve, and there were no PC guidelines those days, you see. I am sure they now call it “Smear the Sexually Diverse Person.”

The rules of the game were as follows: Someone gets the ball and everyone else completely obliterates that person.

There are no points, no sidelines, no out-of-bounds, no anything. One kid gets the ball, the rest of the kids chase him down. If the kid with the ball throws the ball away, in an effort to have people stop chasing him, he is then creamed much worse and with malice.

To recap: Kid gets ball, kid runs like hell, kid is gang-tackled. Repeat as often as possible, until the game has to be stopped due to excessive compound fractures.

So I totally understand that rugby players likely have a hard time dealing with society after spending their formative years massacring someone with a ball and eating them while wearing suggestive shorts and kicking balls through tubes. Thus, it makes sense that one-time Australian rugby star (you are considered a “star” in rugby if you maintain life) Terry Lamb, recently had some trouble at a golf course in Syndney.

It seems the player in front of Lamb was playing too slow, so Lamb did what years of training taught him - he clobbered the guy. The two brawled all over Cabramatta Golf Club for a while, until they were finally broken up, and charged with “acting like rugby players.”

What does this all mean to you, the easygoing golfer? Simple: If you find out there’s a rugby player on the course near you, get the hell out of there. These are not men to be trifled with. They are obviously prone to flashbacks anytime they see grass and people wearing silly pants. Just something to keep in mind.

Rugby star Terry Lamb, here seen doing his best impersonation of the GOP.

–WKW