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Golfer Supremacy Rankings switch to Diebold: George W. Bush, Michelle Wie now the world's best golfers

Monday October 9, 2006 | 10:54:53 pm 546 words, 3557 views

For as long as we can remember, the Golfer Supremacy Rankings were created via a complicated series of pulleys and levers. Then we all voted, and counted the votes by hand. And while counting one vote by hand can be arduous, we did it that way because it seemed right.

But no more. Yes, we here at the Golfer Supremacy Rankings are thrilled to announce our new agreement with Diebold Election Systems.

Yes, with Diebold now tabulating the ballots, we have a strong sense of security that things will be done the right way. After all, this is the company who’s CEO Walden O’Dell promised that Ohio would “deliver its electoral votes” to President Bush in 2004, and kept that promise. So when he says Diebold is impossible to rig, we believe him.

We take great pride in the Golfer Supremacy Rankings around here, so having an electronic voting machine in place that can be opened with a hotel minibar key and that leaves no paper trail whatsoever makes us feel confident that you will see only the best golfers in the world at the top of our prestigious rankings.

Golfer Supremacy Rankings

1. George W. Bush

Comments: With a golf swing as powerful as his willingness to look past reality, the votes have been tabulated and Dubya has proven to be the No. 1 golfer on the planet. Bush is a 15 handicap that wouldn’t cheat if his life depended on it (though, maybe if YOUR life depended on it). A noted speed golfer, Bush is also credited with helping the U.S. team’s glorious comeback in the 1999 Ryder Cup, giving a stirring speech that helped push the U.S. to victory. It’s been downhill for all involved since.

2. Michelle Wie

Comments: When Tiger Woods was created, God, a Methodist (sorry, everyone else), took from him a rib, and then smothered it in barbeque sauce and devoured it. Because, aside from all else, Tiger is divinely delicious. Then, God took another rib and created Michelle Wie, sponsored by Nike and Sony. Wie’s season finished on a low note after she shot a combined 745-over par in her final two attempts to play against the men, but great things are still expected of her, said her new parents, Nike and Sony.

3. Tiger Woods

Comments: Woods took the week off, but was still voted the No. 3 golfer in the rankings. And while some are whispering that it’s all just a conspiracy to stick the names “George W. Bush” and “Tiger Woods” close to each other, we scoff at them. Scoff, we tell you. Nonetheless, we’re pretty confident George W. Bush is much happier being in this sentence than Tiger Woods is.

Honorable Mentions: Lorena Ochoa and Davis Love III won tournaments this weekend. Sadly, however, being that one of them is Mexican and the other is Davis Love III, the new Diebold voting machines seemed too disinterested to recognize them.

Random factoid: The Lesotho Promise - a golf ball-sized diamond, recently sold for $12.4 million. And yes, this entry is just an excuse to show you a picture of a golf ball-sized, 603-karat diamond.

With the help of Diebold, the Golfer Supremacy Rankings can keep shoveling the crap, and it will all look like a huge diamond when all’s said and done.

–WKW

13 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Alex [Visitor]

WKW, I know where you can get an even better count. Better for the Dems, that is. The Cook County machine always did a good job on getting out the sick vote. In fact, they even got a lot of those who had succumbed to their illnesses to vote. Tammany Hall did quite well in that department also, along with the Curley gang in Boston. Come to think of it, they didnt do too bad for Grigoire in Seattle.

Permalink 10/10/06 @ 08:24

Comment from: Kiel Christianson [Visitor]

Old-fashioned voter fraud is a red herring. Far more live, eligible voters get wrongly scrubbed from roles. And this phenomenon is much more recent as well. As WKW points out, paperless voting machines create more opportunities for fraud than ever before.

Permalink 10/10/06 @ 09:44

Comment from: Tim McDonald [Member]

This is scary stuff, perfect for the Mark Foley protectors:

http://www.lessig.org/blog/archives/002141.shtml

Permalink 10/10/06 @ 10:47

Comment from: Judge Smails [Visitor]

As far as Timmie's entry from the peanut gallery goes, I'll just e-utter two words: Gerry Studs. Oh, Timmie, are you going to tell us that Foley didn't have an ongoing email correspondence with you? C'mmmmmmon!

As far as voting technology goes, I actually agree with consensus opinion here and have echoed such sentiments for a long time. There is nothing more ridiculous than a voting system in which there's no paper trail. Utterly foolhardy.

I have to mention, though, that you should lay the blame for this where it belongs. Remember that this hasty move toward high technology was instigated by liberals just after the 2000 election. They couldn't complain enough about flawed voting systems, old machines and antiquated technology, implying all the while that Hal would be our savior.

It's insanity.

Permalink 10/10/06 @ 12:09

Comment from: Alex [Visitor]

Kiel, You've been reading those far-left, liberal kook blogs again. If there are a whole lot of legitimate registered voters who have been scrubbed surreptitiously from the ledgers, perhaps you can supply the names and addresses of, say, five of these illegally disenfranchised citizens. These folks would surely be eternally outraged. I know that I would be. If you can't supply five, one will do. Remember Kiel, make it someone you know personally, not the invention of some kook blog.

Permalink 10/10/06 @ 19:29

Comment from: William K. Wolfrum [Member] · http://www.worldgolf.com/blogs/william.wolfrum

Those that pursued E-voting technology were the companies that would profit from widespread usage of E-voting machines.

From: A Short but Tragic History of E-voting Public Relations
http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=A_Short_but_Tragic_History_of_E-voting_Public_Relations

The U.S. Congress voted to pass the Help America Vote Act (HAVA) in October 2002.

"Electronic voting (excluding one section funding a study on internet voting) is mentioned only once in HAVA, in a subsection titled "Accessibility for individuals with disabilities. This clause requires states to provide "the same opportunity for access and participation" for voters with disabilities by providing "at least one direct recording electronic voting system or other voting system equipped for individuals with disabilities at each polling place."

Electronic voting machine and other technology companies, in contrast, saw their predicted "tremendous market opportunity" coming to pass.

The same week that George Bush signed HAVA into law, major defense contractor Northrop Grumman signed an agreement with iPaper LLC for exclusive rights to license and manufacture their electronic voting systems. In doing so, Northrop Grumman joined "several other large systems integrators that are actively pursuing the elections market," including Accenture, BearingPoint, Electronic Data Systems and Unisys, according to Washington Technology."

--WKW

Permalink 10/10/06 @ 22:42

Comment from: Alex [Visitor]

WKW, I thought that when your initiated this fantasy with you blog that this site would be inundated with crackpot conspiracy theorists and their rants. Instead, the only ones ranting and raving are the member bloggers, you and Kiel and Little Timmie. Every source you quoted is a liberal kook site. I'll give you the same opportunity as I did Kiel. Give me the names of five registered voters whose names were mysteriously and illegally stricken from the rolls. Can't do it? Try one.

Permalink 10/11/06 @ 07:42

Comment from: Oliver Sudden [Visitor]

WKW, You're a moron.

Permalink 10/11/06 @ 18:23

Comment from: Judge Smails [Visitor]

Alex,

Since I'm very fond of you, I want to caution you about something. Don't hold your breath waiting for those names of the disenfranchised citizens.

By the way, as someone who grew up in NYC, researched vote-fraud and wrote a piece about it, I can tell you that nowhere is such illegal activity more rampant than in Demonrat, minority inner city areas. Of course, since you lefties have probably lived very sheltered existences in your lily white neighborhoods, you wouldn't know this.

Permalink 10/11/06 @ 22:17

Comment from: Judge Smails [Visitor]

Needless to say, the second paragraph of my last post was directed at Timmie et al.

Permalink 10/11/06 @ 22:20

Comment from: Alex [Visitor]

Judge Smails, I was raised on the near North Side of Chicago. The standing joke there was and is "Vote early and vote often." Years ago the ward captains used to hand out two dollar bills, the price of a boilermaker at the local gin mill, for a straight ticket vote for the "rooster", (Democratic ticket) Now ,the going rate is a fin. But Kiel says such talk is a red herring, so I guess it doesn't apply.

Permalink 10/11/06 @ 23:15

Comment from: Kiel Christianson [Visitor]

All Things Considered, October 9, 2006 · "For the first time this year, states are required to have centralized voter registration lists. In Kentucky, a state effort to eliminate duplicate registrations resulted in at least several hundred voters being mistakenly removed from the rolls. Confusion and lawsuits followed." Just listen for the names.

NPR is probably a kook site, though, so it doesn't apply. I suppose Greg Palast doesn't, either, although he's got lots of names, too.

Oh, and BTW: Let's hear the name of someone you know personally, Alex, who partook in voter fraud. You personally, not one from those neocon kook blogs.

Permalink 10/13/06 @ 00:05

Comment from: Alex [Visitor]

Kiel, I could give you the names of at least 100 people who accepted the token "deuce" from the ward heelers. Whether that would constitute fraud is debatable since virtually all of them were yellow dog Democrats anyway. I wouldn't go so far as to say NPR was a kook site. Liberal and left-wing? Definitely. That's why you are a listener.

Permalink 10/13/06 @ 07:22

William K. Wolfrum

a WorldGolf.com Blog

WorldGolf.com's William K. Wolfrum blogs about everything in the world of golf and travel, including Michelle Wie, Lorena Ochoa, Tiger Woods and other PGA and LPGA headlines. Plus, he offers the humorous and obscure in news, politics and pop culture.