Golfer Supremacy Rankings switch to Diebold: George W. Bush, Michelle Wie now the world's best golfers
For as long as we can remember, the Golfer Supremacy Rankings were created via a complicated series of pulleys and levers. Then we all voted, and counted the votes by hand. And while counting one vote by hand can be arduous, we did it that way because it seemed right.
Yes, with Diebold now tabulating the ballots, we have a strong sense of security that things will be done the right way. After all, this is the company who’s CEO Walden O’Dell promised that Ohio would “deliver its electoral votes” to President Bush in 2004, and kept that promise. So when he says Diebold is impossible to rig, we believe him.
We take great pride in the Golfer Supremacy Rankings around here, so having an electronic voting machine in place that can be opened with a hotel minibar key and that leaves no paper trail whatsoever makes us feel confident that you will see only the best golfers in the world at the top of our prestigious rankings.
Golfer Supremacy Rankings
1. George W. Bush
Comments: With a golf swing as powerful as his willingness to look past reality, the votes have been tabulated and Dubya has proven to be the No. 1 golfer on the planet. Bush is a 15 handicap that wouldn’t cheat if his life depended on it (though, maybe if YOUR life depended on it). A noted speed golfer, Bush is also credited with helping the U.S. team’s glorious comeback in the 1999 Ryder Cup, giving a stirring speech that helped push the U.S. to victory. It’s been downhill for all involved since.
2. Michelle Wie
Comments: When Tiger Woods was created, God, a Methodist (sorry, everyone else), took from him a rib, and then smothered it in barbeque sauce and devoured it. Because, aside from all else, Tiger is divinely delicious. Then, God took another rib and created Michelle Wie, sponsored by Nike and Sony. Wie’s season finished on a low note after she shot a combined 745-over par in her final two attempts to play against the men, but great things are still expected of her, said her new parents, Nike and Sony.
3. Tiger Woods
Comments: Woods took the week off, but was still voted the No. 3 golfer in the rankings. And while some are whispering that it’s all just a conspiracy to stick the names “George W. Bush” and “Tiger Woods” close to each other, we scoff at them. Scoff, we tell you. Nonetheless, we’re pretty confident George W. Bush is much happier being in this sentence than Tiger Woods is.
Honorable Mentions: Lorena Ochoa and Davis Love III won tournaments this weekend. Sadly, however, being that one of them is Mexican and the other is Davis Love III, the new Diebold voting machines seemed too disinterested to recognize them.
Random factoid: The Lesotho Promise - a golf ball-sized diamond, recently sold for $12.4 million. And yes, this entry is just an excuse to show you a picture of a golf ball-sized, 603-karat diamond.
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As far as voting technology goes, I actually agree with consensus opinion here and have echoed such sentiments for a long time. There is nothing more ridiculous than a voting system in which there's no paper trail. Utterly foolhardy.
I have to mention, though, that you should lay the blame for this where it belongs. Remember that this hasty move toward high technology was instigated by liberals just after the 2000 election. They couldn't complain enough about flawed voting systems, old machines and antiquated technology, implying all the while that Hal would be our savior.
Since I'm very fond of you, I want to caution you about something. Don't hold your breath waiting for those names of the disenfranchised citizens.
By the way, as someone who grew up in NYC, researched vote-fraud and wrote a piece about it, I can tell you that nowhere is such illegal activity more rampant than in Demonrat, minority inner city areas. Of course, since you lefties have probably lived very sheltered existences in your lily white neighborhoods, you wouldn't know this.
NPR is probably a kook site, though, so it doesn't apply. I suppose Greg Palast doesn't, either, although he's got lots of names, too.
Oh, and BTW: Let's hear the name of someone you know personally, Alex, who partook in voter fraud. You personally, not one from those neocon kook blogs.
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