Dear President Bush: Please use your special powers to help the U.S. win the Ryder Cup

Dear President Bush,

While I understand that you are a busy man that works day and night single-handedly keeping the nation safe from the endless marauding hordes of Islamonazifascistmurderingpedofiles, they currently seem to have their attention diverted by the Pope, so everything should be all clear for at least the weekend.

Mr. President, I write to you because the U.S. is facing a terrible dilemma. The U.S. team is about to lose the Ryder Cup to Europe for the fifth time in sixth tries. This will continue a string of embarrassing defeats for United States sporting teams, most recently the U.S. women’s basketball team losing to Russia, which was a huge upset as, for the life of us, we didn’t even know those commie, Iran-hugging bastards even had a women’s basketball team.

Sir, the Ryder Cup can still be saved. With elections coming up, a victory for the U.S. over Europe is imperative. We just can’t lose to Europe. Were you aware that France is in Europe? Well, it is. So this would be like a loss to France, in a way. Can your presidency handle a loss to France?

“What can I do” you ask? Well, Mr. President, there are several things you can do to help our boys over there fighting the good fight in Ireland. First of all, there’s a European player named Paul Casey. Two years ago, he said he “properly hated Americans.”

I know what you’re thinking. That’s terrorist talk. Mr. President, if you could find it in your heart to declare Paul Casey a terrorist, that would be most helpful to the U.S. team’s cause. Because after you declare him a terrorist, he legally becomes one. Then, if you can go about with the waterboarding of him, that would be a great help.

Then there’s the small matter of Paul McGinley. He’s had some success at the Dubai Desert Classic in the past. You know who else does well in the Middle East, sir? Terrorists do. If you could find it in your heart to make McGinley stand in the middle of a cell, and not allow him to sleep for 40 hours or so, that would really help us out.

Sergio Garcia speaks English as a second language. Just like a terrorist. Mr. President, if you could lock him naked in a 50-degree cell, then pour cold water on him for several hours, we feel he’d lose a lot of his prodigious driving abilities.

Mr. President, terrorists are annoying. Just like Colin Montgomerie. If you could proclaim him a terrorist, we’d personally like to belly slap him for a few hours.

With your help, Mr. President, we feel confident that the U.S. team can emerge victorious in this Ryder Cup competition, bringing much pride and adulation back to the U.S. Plus, as an added bonus, those poor bastards on the European team will more than likely confess to just about anything you want. It’s totally win-win.

Mr. President, you’re working to push legislation through Congress that will make each and every American pro-torture, and make you the only person in the U.S. able to define the Geneva Convention. For this, all we ask is that you only torture those who you truly believe can hurt this nation.

So please torture the hell out of the European team so the U.S. can win the Ryder Cup.

Thank you and God Bless,

William K. Wolfrum

–WKW