A U.S. Ryder Cup victory is assured if players get the self-help they really need

For myself, one of the great, unintended consequences of technology is that I have gone completely and totally bonkers with listening to books on tape. If someone is reading something and saving me the time, I’m all over it.

Over the past few weeks I’ve listened to Dante’s Inferno (Judas finds out that defying Christ is a seriously bad idea); Stephen Hawking’s “Brief History of Time” (The universe is big. Really big.); and Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” (Like the “War on Terror” except totally opposite in every way).

Of course, I mention those out of some vague hope they’ll impress you and you’ll start thinking things like “Wow, that Bill sure is smart. Lets send him a check or money order.” In reality, however, my interests tend to be much more base.

You see, I’ve gone berserk over self-help books. I just can’t help myself. It’s like an addiction. And the crazier the thing they want to help me with, the more I need to listen. Want to Learn Sanskrit in your Sleep? Hell yes I do! संस्कृता वाक् !

Still, there are some practical lessons I have learned, and with the Ryder Cup beginning, I figured I’d share some of the more important lessons I’ve learned with the U.S. team. Keep in mind, these are actual instructions from experts in their field.

From the Audio Book: “Develop your own psychic powers”

“Every man was meant to know. This started with primitive man, because he had to know what was waiting outside the cave for him - if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have survived the saber-tooth tiger.”

You see, if primitive man could use psychic powers to thwart saber-tooth tigers, then Tiger Woods could use them to overcome the much-less fearsome Colin Montgomerie.

From the Audio Book: “Doubling Your Brain Power”

“I personally can get to parking spots on any street in any city in North America. All you need to do is clearly visualize a parking stall in front of the building you want to park and you’ll find that each time that you arrive there, to the degree to which you absolutely believe it will be there, the parking stall will be there.”

How many great players have lost important matches due to a lack of pre-match parking? Millions I tell you. With that problem nixed, U.S. players gain a huge advantage.

From the Audio Book: “Hypnosis - Stress & Anxiety Relief”

“To get rid of the garbage, to allow this negativity to leave your body, your container, create in your imagination two sets of valves. Valves in your toes, and valves at your fingertips. And as you mentally open the valves, you allow the orange-colored liquid to flow out. And the liquid begins to flow out, and you see it as heavily laden with the garbage and the debris of past thoughts. So look at it. It’s like a syrup, thick and gooey. As the last of the orange-colored liquid drains out of your body, there’s a feeling of relaxation. For it seems that with each breath you take, you’re inhaling from the sun, the color pink.”

Less syrupy orange goo, more pink sunshine equals better golf. It’s a proven, scientific fact.

By taking these snippets of advice, opening their minds, as well as the valves in their fingers and toes, I feel confident that the U.S. team will be able to avoid saber-tooth tigers, find parking spots, and unleash torrents of orange-ish goo. Then, with the entire team seeing pink, they will overcome the European team, and bring the Ryder Cup back home to the U.S., where it belongs.

Or, at very least, they won’t get stomped quite as bad as they did two years ago. Either way, good things will happen.

–WKW