Iowa hunters learn the dangers of attacking golf bloggers

A while back, looking to have a little irresponsible fun at the expense of others, I wrote a piddling little blog about a decision by the Ottumwa, Iowa city council allowing deer hunting on local golf courses. For me, it was mainly an opportunity to use the following line:

“Perhaps Ottumwa is just completely overrun with deer, but I didn’t see anybody asking about whether shooting golfers was cool or not. I demand answers. Because, my friends, it starts out with a 38-handicapper getting capped in Ottumwa, and will end with Phil Mickelson getting landmined at Pebble Beach.”

Now I imagined that making fun of Iowans was roughly on par with mocking the Amish; childish, sure, but it’s not like they’ll ever find out. Well, lo and behold, it turns out Iowans are literally light-seconds ahead of the Amish, technologically, with many actually having Internet access (though mostly via AOL, I’d imagine).

Anyway, a certain, select group of Iowa hunters didn’t find me funny AT ALL.

“Moron!! It’s people like you that make people like us hate golf! So what if a golfer gets plugged, one less snobby jerk in the world that we have to worry about! You can stick your golf club up your a**, I am going to hunt where the hell I feel like it - Golf Courses included,” wrote one such humorless hunter.

Sadly, Iowa hunters had to learn the hard way not to mess with this so-called “snobby jerk.” Because God, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to drop a pox on Iowa hunters, as a recent study appearing in the Emerging Infectious Diseases journal, has shown that an Iowa duck hunter is one of three in the state that had evidence of an uncommon type of bird flu virus in their blood.

A quick show of hands: Would you rather be gently mocked on a golf Web site, or research material for something called Emerging Infectious Diseases? Well, if you were in Iowa, you’d get both, I suppose.

Now, before you get all crazy ("Dear Lord! Wolfrum’s wishing a massive Bird Flu outbreak on Iowa hunters!!"), keep in mind that the virus was not known to be dangerous to humans and not related to the feared H5N1 virus, and all involved are just fine and dandy. And it’s not like I want anyone to get sick – not even those who proposed shooting me as a debate tactic.

But my point is this: Being a humorless hunter will only hurt you in the long run. I wish no harm on anyone, but obviously a much higher power is at work here. So hurl invectives my way at your own risk. At very, very least, wash your hands after you kill something. It’s not like you’re Nebraskan, after all.

–WKW