McDonald's LPGA Championship, U.S. Open and NBA Finals winners revealed in bold predictions

As someone who has made some bonehead predictions in the past, I’ve learned some valuable lessons regarding prognostication. The most important lesson is to always make your predictions in bulk. This is the “Carpet-Bombing” technique.

Now, keep in mind that no predictions are foolproof, but I can say with complete confidence that every single pick made here will come true.

Golf

McDonald’s LPGA Championship: Mi Hyun Kim. Or Hee-Won Han. Actually, if you can find a McSouthKorean field bet for this one, jump on it.

U.S. Open: Tiger Woods. Everyone will cry. The CBS made-for-TV movie “Winning One for Earl” will air the following Tuesday.

Player at the U.S. Open that will, for one glorious moment, make us forget about Michelle Wie: Tadd Fujikawa.

Basketball

NBA Finals: Miami Heat in six. Even after losing Game 1, this pick is a lock. There’s just one Shaquille O’Neal, which is good, as if there were a bunch of them wandering around, it would be creepy. Shaq will dominate in the end.

Baseball

Barry Bonds: His body will break like one of those old wind-up trains, with 734 home runs. Everyone will act all smug about it.

Soccer

World Cup: Brazil. It is actually against the law in several nations to not pick Brazil to win this event.

Percentage of readers that just skimmed over this section once they saw the heading “Soccer": 97.

Politics

November U.S. elections: Republicans will shockingly dominate and add to their advantage in Congress. Political pundits will blame the democrat’s “Crap Yourself and Flee” and “Let’s Sell South Carolina to China” platforms.

Miscellaneous

Hollywood: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will break up and a judge will force them to apologize to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt for naming him Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and acting all smug about it.

–WKW