UFC 59 leads to thoughts on the toughest golfer

A while back, I did a magazine story on the Ultimate Fighting Championship and got the chance to meet and speak to several high-profile fighters.

So when I saw UFC 59, it was great to see some of the guys I spoke with battle it out. Especially good to see was Tim Sylvia getting a spectacular win over Andrei Arlovski. Sylvia’s an interesting, thoughtful guy, like the majority of UFC fighters.

You heard it here from someone who has known a few: fighters (boxers, UFC, etc.) tend to be the most personable, interesting people you’ll meet in sports.

So, in the constant effort to make golfers more interesting, I thought I’d match up some golf greats and let the battles begin in something I like to call the “Ultimate Golfer Fighting Championships.”

The undercard

Camilo Villegas vs. John Daly

Daly comes in with a massive weight advantage as Villegas weighs in at about 104 pounds. But the Colombian is stringy-strong, and as a South American has adopted the style of Royce Gracie. On the plus side for Daly, he’s been in a bunch of bar fights.

Result: Villegas puts Daly in a simple arm lock and Big John taps out immediately. Fans still give him a standing ovation.

Hootie Johnson vs. Arnold Palmer

Not much is expected of this battle between the 71-year-old Chairman of Augusta and the 74-year-old Palmer. On the plus side for Palmer, he was a superb athlete throughout his life. Johnson is a sturdy fellow for his age, though his oversized head makes for a good target.

Result: The best fight of the night! The geezers go at it, round after round. The crowd is shocked to see Arnie show off solid Jiu-Jitsu skills, while Hootie proves to be an adept ground fighter and boxer. The men lay a nightmarish beating on each other and are hospitalized afterward, both demanding a rematch.

Main event

Tiger Woods vs. Phil Mickelson

This is the one everyone has been waiting for. Tiger is nearly a flawless physical specimen. Phil, not so much. Nonetheless, Lefty has the height advantage and is reportedly extremely flexible. The two look to end their rivalry once and for all – in the ring!

Result: A bore draw. Neither commits to the fight and each immediately apologize after any confrontation. Only the presence of round-card girls Elin Woods and Amy Mickelson prevents a full-scale riot.

–WKW