Old white dudes run amok on Hawaii golf course, paid very well to do so

The Champions Skins Game took place on Monday at Wailea Golf Club’s Gold Course in Hawaii, leaving dozens and dozens of fans breathless with excitement, though it’s highly possible they were breathless to begin with.

Prior to the event, organizers, in a quandary over how to make the meaningless event twice as dull, jacked up the competition to be a team event, with four two-old-man teams hitting alternate shots.

Raymond Floyd teamed with Dana Quigley to win the event, taking home $510,000. Floyd made the winning putt on the 17th hole to take $410,000. Quigley was ecstatic with the money, though sad to find out that he still lags well behind Carvey as the world’s most prominent Dana.

“This was God’s will, I think,” said Quigley. God has been available for comment, but laughing too hard to speak, though spokesmen for the Almighty have said that some serious smitings are forthcoming.

After making his life-changing putt to win the event, the 63-year-old Floyd took a nap, had some tea, and then made some comments to the press.

“People always ask me about one shot that won a tournament, and I really have trouble recalling a specific shot. But I will always remember that shot right there,” said Floyd, who was then dragged away by the Hyperbole Police and beaten senseless.

The team of Jack Nicklaus and Tom Watson came in second place with $260,000, while the teams of Arnold Palmer and Peter Jacobsen and Gary Player and Hale Irwin were shut out, leaving them only with the millions and millions of dollars they have squirreled away already.

Ten percent of the team’s winning were reportedly given to one charity or another, and organizers are looking at ways of possibly getting more old white dudes on a Hawaiian golf course next year.

–WKW