An open letter to Nike: Close the deal with my unborn golfing prodigy while you still can
To: Mark Parker,
Incoming Nike CEO
Dear Mr. Parker,
After four years of marriage, my wife and I are planning on making 2006 the year we begin the machinations necessary to have our first child. Yes, we’re going to do it. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.
Now, having a child is a big step. But we feel ready for this awesome challenge. I mean, my wife is definitely ready. I’m pretty darn ready. Quite ready, really. I mean, sure, I have insecurities. And I did see “Brokeback Mountain” the other day, and it made me think how important relationships are and how special love really is and by no means did it get me thinking of my sexuality or anything and dear God, am I gay??!?
But I digress.
Here’s my point Mr. Parker: As someone who works at a golf publishing Web site, it’s a given I will be teaching my child to play golf. And speaking as someone who has broken 100 on literally several occasions, let’s just say these genes have some talent to pass on.
Also, my wife is full-blooded Brazilian, meaning our child will be mixed race, thereby making our child identifiable to multiple groups. And we plan on instilling great Brasilcausian pride into our child. Plus, if you note the photos at the bottom of this missive, Brazilians are just plain hot. As far as looks: our child is can’t-miss.
So here’s the idea, Mr. Parker. With education costs soaring, and with the cost of securing talented sponsors going through the roof, I believe we can negotiate a deal here and now, that will benefit both of us.
I figure about $50,000 should do it. My wife is quite bright, so we’ll be angling for a really good university. All you need to do is put this money in some type of safe, interest-earning fund for 18 years. And this money can only be used for college. No college, no money.
And what does Nike receive? Well, on my child’s first professional golf event, he or she will wear the Nike Slash or any other Nike advertising, anywhere and everywhere. Shoes, shirt, armbands, hat, earmuffs, earrings, nose ring, socks, belt, temporary face tattoo, etc.
Think about that. What are you guys shelling out for Michelle Wie? It’s millions, right? Seems like a pretty big gamble to me. And right now, she’s not bringing a ton of glory your way, either. If you wait to make a deal with my child in 18 years, even for one event, it will likely cost you billions and billions of dollars.
But even if my child completely washes out as a golfer, Nike is only out $50K – for an education. Plus, lets face it, just the PR you’ll get from this will make it more than pay for itself, and you’ll have 18 years to milk it. To make bold moves like this is why Nike has chosen you, Mr. Parker.
Mr. Parker, this is my offer. I look forward to your response, and hope you take a good look at the photos below of Brazilians Gisele Bundchen and Rodrigo Santoro, and imagine the possibilities.
Best regards,
William K. Wolfrum
–WKW
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18 comments
Provided your son, can shoot a round under 80, we are certainly interested in helping him to get a sponsors exemption, given his tender age.
You have also claimed that his first attempts will miss the cut just like Tiger. If it turns out that he can shoot better scores than Tiger's first attempts, just like Michelle Wie did, then we will be very interested in sponsoring him.
William K. Wolfrum,
Sorry, but we are not interested in sponsoring your unborn son who has shown no potential as of yet.
We decided to sponsor Michelle Wie because at that time, she had already shown that she could come very close to making a pga cut twice.
Her pga attempts were far ahead of Tiger's first attempts, and her excellent performances on the lpga tour, and in the US Amateur Publinx, persuaded us that she was worth backing.
If your son shows similar skill and has similar success, we might just consider backing him also.
Sorry Justin, but by the US Amateur Publinx, I was not referring to her win, as the youngest winner ever in an adult usga event, when she won the Womens Amateur Publinx.
I was actually referring to her success at the Mens Amateur Publinx. To put it in context, she was the first woman ever to qualify for a usga mens event.
Add to that, she made the cut there, and beat 3 top class male adult amateurs to get to the quarter finals.
You could say, what about the other 7 people who got that far in that same tournament. However, her being the first woman to qualify sets her apart. Add to that, how young she is. Those things make her achievements all the more remarkable and indeed marketable.
The next point is very important. People often claim that Tiger Woods was winning events like that when he was her age. The facts are very different. Tiger won the Junior version of the US Amatuer Championship. However, he was not able to get past the last 32 stage of the adult event, until he was 18 years of age.
So her acheivements thus far have been excellent, in that regard.
As regards your question of lpga finishes, you are either forgetting, neglecting to mention, or are unaware that no woman has won an lpga event, under the age of 18 years.
Michelle has only just turned 16 and has only played 1 event as a 16 year old. She should have 15 more events to break the record of youngest winner on the lpga tour.
If she were to win any of those events, it would bring outstanding recognision and credit to her. Her high finishes so far, already make her a contender for each lpga event that she enters. That means the Nike logo should be in good display at those events.
As regards comparisons to Tiger Woods. No we certainly are not saying that she will have a career as successful as Tiger Woods.
What we are saying, is that people should not be degrading her early attempts at the pga tour, given that her attempts have been better than those of the worlds greatest player, in his first events.
There are actually two comparisons on the right-hand side of the page. One compares their performance across a three year span in age (Michelle at 13 vs Tiger at 16 and so forth) The other across a four year span in age (Michelle at 13 vs Tiger at 17 and so forth).
Before you draw blasters and flame me, let me state that I am fully aware that this chart says absolutely nothing about final ability. It merely shows that for the first 4 years (including the one currently in progress) Michelle's level of performance is roughly equivalent to that achieved by Tiger when Tiger 4 years older.
The statistics for the current year show a distinct advantage forming for Tiger at 20 vs Michelle at 16.
This statistic is based on comparing one appearance by Michelle to 13 appearances by Tiger.
The apparent advantage may evaporate if Michelle makes a relatively better performance in her next appearance, or it may grow even more pronounced. Only the future will tell. That's why we will be watching.
Your green hair of envy will not get you many dates. You, like most of the media can not drop the MW contracts with Sony & Nike. The NBA is far worse paying out huge salaries for only "potential." So...knock it off and leave Michelle alone!
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