An open letter to Nike: Close the deal with my unborn golfing prodigy while you still can

To: Mark Parker,
Incoming Nike CEO

Dear Mr. Parker,

After four years of marriage, my wife and I are planning on making 2006 the year we begin the machinations necessary to have our first child. Yes, we’re going to do it. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

Now, having a child is a big step. But we feel ready for this awesome challenge. I mean, my wife is definitely ready. I’m pretty darn ready. Quite ready, really. I mean, sure, I have insecurities. And I did see “Brokeback Mountain” the other day, and it made me think how important relationships are and how special love really is and by no means did it get me thinking of my sexuality or anything and dear God, am I gay??!?

But I digress.

Here’s my point Mr. Parker: As someone who works at a golf publishing Web site, it’s a given I will be teaching my child to play golf. And speaking as someone who has broken 100 on literally several occasions, let’s just say these genes have some talent to pass on.

Also, my wife is full-blooded Brazilian, meaning our child will be mixed race, thereby making our child identifiable to multiple groups. And we plan on instilling great Brasilcausian pride into our child. Plus, if you note the photos at the bottom of this missive, Brazilians are just plain hot. As far as looks: our child is can’t-miss.

So here’s the idea, Mr. Parker. With education costs soaring, and with the cost of securing talented sponsors going through the roof, I believe we can negotiate a deal here and now, that will benefit both of us.

I figure about $50,000 should do it. My wife is quite bright, so we’ll be angling for a really good university. All you need to do is put this money in some type of safe, interest-earning fund for 18 years. And this money can only be used for college. No college, no money.

And what does Nike receive? Well, on my child’s first professional golf event, he or she will wear the Nike Slash or any other Nike advertising, anywhere and everywhere. Shoes, shirt, armbands, hat, earmuffs, earrings, nose ring, socks, belt, temporary face tattoo, etc.

Think about that. What are you guys shelling out for Michelle Wie? It’s millions, right? Seems like a pretty big gamble to me. And right now, she’s not bringing a ton of glory your way, either. If you wait to make a deal with my child in 18 years, even for one event, it will likely cost you billions and billions of dollars.

But even if my child completely washes out as a golfer, Nike is only out $50K – for an education. Plus, lets face it, just the PR you’ll get from this will make it more than pay for itself, and you’ll have 18 years to milk it. To make bold moves like this is why Nike has chosen you, Mr. Parker.

Mr. Parker, this is my offer. I look forward to your response, and hope you take a good look at the photos below of Brazilians Gisele Bundchen and Rodrigo Santoro, and imagine the possibilities.

Best regards,

William K. Wolfrum

–WKW