What's life like as a caddie on tour? 20 questions

Inevitably, talking with a golf fan at a bar, on a plane, in a pro-am, we get a slew of questions, some bordering on the absurd and others quite rude. You try to be cordial but sometimes you just want to strangle the S.O.B.

I was enjoying a nap by the Upper Montclair, N.J. putting green early one afternoon after a long morning pro-am and an even longer night out when this guy kicked my foot and asked, “Hey, how much do you make?”

“None of your frickin’ business,” I politely responded. Most folks are bit more subtle, but they still want to know the same things.

Depending on my mood, the person’s sincerity asking the question, and my blood alcohol level there could be a wide range of answers. In my politest moments the answers go like this:

1. How much do you make? Varies from $1,000 to $1850 salary plus percentage.

2. Do you get 10 percent of everything your player wins? Only 10 percent when they win, 5-8 percent on everything else.

3. Do you make any money if he misses the cut? We get our salary no matter what, even if they withdraw.

4. Who pays your expenses? I pay all my expenses except for a few flights.

5. Are you guys good friends? Do you travel, room together, go out for dinner? We’re business friendly. Dinner occasionally, never room together and fly on their private jets occasionally.

6. Who carries the clubs from tournament to tournament? He takes them unless he’s going home and not practicing.

7. How long you been a caddie? 22 years, way too long.

8. Who’s the biggest a**hole on tour? Not going there, not even initials.

9. Who’s the nicest guy on tour? They are all pretty good guys off the course.

10. Do you know Tiger? Met him a couple of times. Stevie is a good friend.

11. What’s your handicap? Don’t play anymore, 6-7 at my best.

12. How many tournaments have you won? Counting everything, regular and funny season, 20.

13. What’s your favorite course? Top five are Pebble Beach Golf Links, Augusta, Cypress Point, Colonial C.C., and Harbour Town.

14. Do you have to go to caddie school? Nope, learned everything through osmosis.

15. Who pulls the clubs? He pulls the club, I provide all the info he asks for.

16. How much information do you provide for your pro? Whatever he asks for and if I don’t know, I try to make it sound good.

17. What makes a good caddie? You ask 10 players and 10 caddies you’ll get 20 different answers. A good player playing well makes an excellent caddie.

18. Who have you worked for? More than 50 different players, mainly Bob Murphy, Ray Floyd, and Doug Tewell.

19. Do you read the greens for your pro? Only if he asks. Usually I take a quick look and ready.

20. How much do you think Stevie makes a year? I don’t know for sure but you can figure it pretty close. A couple of years ago he donated a million to a New Zealand cancer hospital.