If Golf Was Ruled by Politics and Protesters

It is a blistering day on the links today as the four opponents line up for a championship round of golf. The wind is blowing, the mist is forming up, and could turn to rain, and the course is thick with danger and rough.

Tiger, Sergio, Phil, and VJ are lined up and ready to play. Pebble Beach Golf Links (on this fictional golf course) has sponsored the event with the help of First Tee, Wal-Mart, IBM, and Apple, the Rainbow Coalition, and Greenpeace. Thousands line the course. Tee time is 8 a.m.

The announcer begins: “On the first tee is Tiger Woods.” Immediately, a contingent from Fiji stands up and says, “Why is Tiger first?” Suddenly, members of the EU stand up and say, Sergio should be first. Just as suddenly, members of Phil’s San Diego Country Club chime in, “Phil should be first, he is left handed!”

A meeting is held on the first tee. Opinions are offered, the media is brought in to interview the gallery. After 30 minutes of talk, the decision is made … a free shot from the tee is announced, and whoever drives farthest on a test shot, much like pool: closest to the rubber, whoever drives farthest, gets to drive first and so on.

A commercial break takes place after the meeting advocating Gay Marriage, and abortion for teens under 14 without parental approval, and Viagra. Okay, game on.

First Hole: Tiger wins the driving contest and plunks his first shot into the weeds to the right. Sergio is dead down the middle using a 2 iron trying to play it safe, he is booed. Phil blows past Tiger, and VJ blows past everyone.

Second shot coming into play. As Tiger assesses his shot, there is a demonstration nearby by the folks who believe that shots should not be played from the weeds, and a spectator jumps into the fray and throws Tiger’s ball into the fairway. A meeting is held by the USGA people and it is decided that since Tiger had nothing to do with the influence of the spectators, that it is a spectator’s “bounce” that creates his new location of his ball, and there is “no harm, no foul.” Protestors show up from the Country Club of Phil and suggest that this drop is an unfair advantage to Tiger. Tiger refuses interviews from the media saying, “Hey, it is the will of the people. My shot lies where it lies.” Phil says nothing knowing that any comment will be construed as “racist.”

After the drop, Tiger puts it on the green. Sergio steps up and hits his 7 iron dead center right of the pin.

Immediately, a congregation of Left Wingers gathers and protests to the USGA officials. “Sergio hit it “right” of the pin. This is bias in its purist form.” His ball is moved to the left of the pin, equal distance from the hole.

VJ hits it tight to the pin dead center below the pin, and Lefty hits it dead center above the pin about 15 feet.

They all putt out for par.

Second hole; with the same rotation of who hits first. Tiger pounds a drive 343 down the middle, Sergio hits his drive 300, VJ goes 325 and Phil drops a perfect shot 325 down the middle. Sergio has to hit first … a group of small people gather to protest … why does Sergio have to hit first? He is farthest away and that isn’t fair! He should be given a drop closer to Tiger … after all; he is smaller than Tiger the crowd cries out. Tiger shrugs, “whatever!” Sergio moves his ball to a close proximity to Tiger and fires away to the green, putting it 25 feet to the pin, with a slight undulation to the hole.

Since Phil and VJ are the same distance, they must shoot their shots at the same time. Both go through their pre-shot routine and fire away … their balls collide mid-way to the hole. They lose track of whose ball is whose! They are both playing the same brand of BALL! A Callaway official huddles with Phil and we watch as Phil shrugs his shoulders and whispers to him, “I pulled a Titleist out of my bag by mistake.” The crowd roars! One ball is in a bunker on the left side of the green and the other is long over the green. An argument ensues … not between VJ and Phil, but the spectators.

A meeting of officials takes place off the green between the PGA and the USGA while spectators look on. Some come up to the officials offering $100 bills to give VJ the break and calling his shot in the bunker, while others come up to offer PGA officials standing at the table of the next sponsor dinner if they rule that Phil gets the greenside shot from the grass above the hole. Since both can benefit from the same decision, they huddle and after two commercial breaks decide in favor the brides as received. All is well and play continues.

VJ chips into the cup from the sand, and Lefty chips to two feet and sinks his putt. Sergio and Tiger two putt and everyone moves on. MoveOn.org protests for using their trademarked name during a PGA event without giving them credit. Michael Moore is flown in to protest that the PGA discriminates against leftwing causes. The Swift Boat Veterans come in to protest Michael Moore as being a liar and too fat to have a relevant comment. Jenny Craig and Kristi Alley step in to protest bias against fat people, wherein Craig Sadler steps up and says “shut up and play” and play continues.

Third hole, VJ is one up … and everyone is wondering if this round of golf will find a finish without a riot. Par 5 up next … VJ fires a huge drive down the middle 350 yards and then some. Tiger steps and blows past VJ, and then Sergio drops a perfect three wood down the middle but short of the long drivers and lands only 310 down the left side of the fairway … whereas Lefty steps and blows by everyone with a huge shot … 385 yards.

Suddenly, Jesse Jackson steps from the left side of the fairway and declares that Phil must have been given an unfair “white” bias advantage since there is no way “Phil can out-drive Tiger without some unfair white bias from the fairway!” Understandably, Sergio steps up and slams away at his second shot down the fairway 345 to the right! Jesse complains again to the media that Sergio is taking advantage of the right wing bias of the fairway. Jesse is overruled by FOX NEWS network and the ball is declared good as it lies.

VJ has the last word and yanks his shot out of bounds. No one protests his bad shot or outcome since he is from Fiji, and no one gives a damn. Immediately, CNN lodges an on air protest that no one gives a damn about Fijians and therefore VJ is at a disadvantage and deserves another shot! A meeting between the Fijian delegation and the USGA ensues and VJ is given another shot without penalty. He blows by everyone…400 yards in the middle. Game ON!

All the players chip on, 2 putt and move on again without incident from Moveon.org since their last protest didn’t get any media coverage.

As the players walked to the next tee, Cindy Sheehan of Camp Casey is under her umbrella (held by CNN reporters) and tries to gather more support (Bush must meet her) in her protest for her son’s death in Iraq even though he was a volunteer. Suddenly a group behind her stand of Evacuees from Hurricane Katrina brought in by Wal-Mart for a bit of normalcy before resuming their welfare ridden impoverished uneducated existence…(all white of course) who stand in numbers and begin chanting. “Get a life momma, your son was a volunteer, our lost love ones weren’t!”

Cindy slinks away in shame, driven away from the scene by her Moveon.org driver and CNN media people. The crowd murmurs during a two minute timeout for a commercial break from Buick and Mercedes. “What the heck is going on? How can the players play under these conditions?” Matt Drudge hears this and posts it on The Drudge Report … “Golfers complain of conditions during Katrina Catastrophe.” Developing…

Instantly Bloggers from around the world complain that the PGA and golfers (mostly white) are out of touch! On the golfer’s forum, they are busy discussing, what the impact of Nike has made on the industry. They are not out of touch.

As the players approach the next tee a Green Peace banner is spread across the trees of the approaching fairway…"WHITE BALLS ARE DISCRIMINATORY! SUPPORT GREEN!”

At the tee a table is set up with Green Peace officials who approach the players and demand that they play a “green” ball, since the “white” bias is so clearly evident in the game of golf and corporate America and hence “golf is responsible for pollution.”

The Green Peace folks offer the players a “green colored” ball. Phil accepts since he has a Green Peace bumper sticker on his limo, Tiger defers and says, “hey, Nike has given me a black ball, is that okay?” Nike has introduced the Nike Super ball which happens to be black. Sergio shrugs and says “what did I do?” VJ says, “I play what I play, Annika plays what she plays, why single me out?”

Phil takes a shot at the upcoming par 3, 210 yards into the wind into the seaside green. It lands to the right of the green. Officials scurry to find the ball, and the blimp overhead sponsored by The Palestinian Liberation Army hovers overhead focusing on terrorists lurking near the Porta-Potties. They can’t find the ball. Phil has to hit another. This one finds the back rough and buries itself again. This time the officials find it. Phil lays three. Tiger fires away at the pin and damn if it doesn’t find its way into the hole, a HOLE IN ONE. Sergio hits to the center of the green, and VJ does the same. The crowd is going nuts over the hole in one. Green Peace lodges an official protest. The Palestinian Blimp gives away the location of the terrorists, and the FBI moves in and arrests them. Jesse Jackson immediately acts as an advocate for the Palestinians whose privacy was violated by the Blimp and asks that the tapes be erased and that the terrorist be let go.

Tiger pulls his ball out of the hole. Phil can barely see the green colored ball and flubs the chip and then three putts for an 8. He is sweating profusely. VJ and Sergio putt on in two and the game moves to the next hole.

At this point, the screen goes dark, and no one knows what happens.

The aftermath discovers that the numbers of viewers became so low that CBS quit coverage, Tiger realized he was in harm’s way and his body guards flew him to safety, Phil was miffed over an 8 and quit while VJ and Sergio found new sponsors, so everyone left.

Kelly Tillman of the Golf Channel comes on and does reruns of the 2000 USA Open Pebble Beach Tiger victory, and no one knows the difference.