Hey Tiger, how dumb do you think we all are?

Now, I didn’t go to no fancy school like Stanford er nuthin’…

But like many of you out there, I’ve read my share of embattled celebrity statements, from Paris Hilton’s “I really don’t party as much as you think,” to Britney Spears’ “I don’t understand why the paparazzi follow me…”

And I’m growing pretty tired of how naive celebs think we are, or maybe they think that if they put words into a statement, then it’s undeniably true and we should just honor it. Tiger Woods’ announcement yesterday he would return to golf at the Masters was another calculated move in an incredibly poor P.R. campaign since Thanksgiving.

“The Masters is where I won my first major, and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I’m ready to start my season at Augusta.”

We’re all happy for you Tiger, but can’t you just admit, or at least hint that the reason you’re starting the year at Augusta is because the media and patron control is something communist China envies? It’d be the first refreshingly honest statement we’ve heard from you in ages.

Woods doesn’t want riff-raff at his first event of the year, and while TMZ won’t be credentialed at the Masters, it’s a sure bet some knuckleheads are going to get their hands on badges and cause a stir, just look at last year’s Masters when someone crashed the Tiger-Phil pairing on the 17th hole. We may not even see it, because ESPN and CBS have their hands tied on what they can show and talk about, but hopefully some patrons and credentialed media will be able to reveal the incidents, because there will be some.

If Tiger really believed he could win the Masters, he’d play in the Shell Houston Open or Bay Hill Invitational. No way does he show up ice cold and walk out Sunday night with a green jacket - not at today’s Augusta National that he doesn’t even really dominate anymore and his driver will be all over the yard. This is going to be a throw away tournament for Woods, and he’ll be right on the cutline on Friday.

The question I’m curious about isn’t so much what Tiger does at the Masters, but when will he play again AFTER the Masters? I wouldn’t hold it past him to sit out until the U.S. Open, so Tim Finchem shouldn’t be too excited about his star player’s return quite yet until he sees a schedule. Woods could go back to the rehab clinic right after Augusta for two months. I’m also not convinced he’s a shoe-in for the Ryder Cup, as he may very well duck-and-cover rather than face U.K. scrutiny.

I hope there is a university public relations class curriculum in the works that studies the case of Tiger Woods because it’s a fascinating train wreck that just keeps picking up momentum.