Report: U.S. Airlines may soon begin charging passengers by weight

Bloomberg is reporting that airlines are discussing charging passengers by weight. Just when you thought airlines couldn’t get any more impersonal, it turns out they really do view you like a piece of meat.

I’m a little biased as a short guy who only eats when imminent survival is on the line, but unlike the golfer-hating new standard of charging for a second checked bag, I’m in favor of this charge. It will be another incentive for the most overweight and gluttonous nation in the world to hold back on the McNuggets. And I think we can all agree that the two worst people to sit next to on a plane are “huge guy” and “screaming baby". I think screaming babies should pay double fares, just like Southwest charges passengers a second ticket if they are too big for their seats. Actually, I don’t understand why parents would think to take their infant on a plane to begin with. It’s probably the same parents who put their toddlers on leashes in airports and amusement parks.

I actually just had a better thought. Why not charge passengers their fare based on their overall behavior after they leave the airport? So a needy passenger who is loud, takes up excessive cabin space, or brings along a freeloading crabby baby would pay $500 as he exits the cabin. Whereas if I just shut up and listen to my IPod, don’t irritate my neighbors, complain about the temperature or use the restroom, I only pay $150. Your fare, in essence, would be like a little report card based on how needy you were.

Brilliant.