Can't blame Tiger Woods for skipping Masters Par 3 Tournament turned Westminster Dog Show spectacle on ESPN

When I first heard that Tiger Woods was passing on the Masters Par 3 tournament, for an instant I thought it was disrespectful, considering he spoke so glowing about it in an earlier interview.

Then, thanks to ESPN’s coverage of it this afternoon, the first year it’s been televised, we were all given a glimpse into what the Par 3 event really is.

And now I’m ready to proclaim Tiger a noble genius for boycotting this shameful, exploitive spectacle.

Henrik Stetson and his daughter, who couldn’t be more thrilled to be part of such a spectacle - From ESPN Wednesay coverage.

Maybe it’s because I’ve yet to experience the birth of my own offspring, but what’s with all these proud parents parading their kids around the golf course in front of thousands of fans and national TV audience like show poodles at Madison Square Garden?

Augusta National officials say the Par 3 event is supposed to encourage the youth of America to take up golf. No wonder the game’s numbers are dropping. I don’t think any kid should be forced onto a golf course before they are five years old. They aren’t mature enough yet. They should be in a sandbox eating worms.

None of these kids want to be here. Their attention spans would be longer at Sunday Mass (at least they can bring a little picture book along with them there). They roll around in the rough while daddy lines up a meaningless putt from six angles.

These poor kids are even dressed up in embarrassing little costumes. “Look! Little Jimmy’s wearing a caddie suit!”

Then afterwards, ESPN’s interviewers shove microphones into their innocent little faces and grill them harder than they would Britney Spears stumbling out of a Vegas wedding chapel.

And I’m sure the fans are just sick to death of having to politely clap and go “Awww” when another ankle-biter blows a gimmie putt ten feet by the hole. They thought they paid $500 to watch the best players in the world compete against each other. Turns out they could have just dropped $3 at their neighborhood Putt-Putt or hung around the McDonald’s Playland all afternoon for this kind of entertainment.

Zach Johnson needs to stop showing off his kid to the gallery and walk up and hit his putt already. Somebody should DQ him from the Masters for slow play.

Oh no, it gets worse! Just look at this uncomfortable exchange between Henrik Stetson and what I assume to be his infant daughter:

Click here for the video clip:

First of all, Henrik accidentally nails her in the face with the butt end of his putter as he’s lowering her. She’s scared stiff and can’t even move (or maybe it’s just because she’s six months old), so he puts her hands on the shaft with his over them and putts the ball for her.

Then Henrik violently shakes her kids’ arm around like a marionette puppet and scoops her up, to which she finally cracks and cries her little eyes out. Talk about “daddy issues” in her future.

I can’t believe this was televised. They may as well have televised a Mickelson kids’ backyard birthday party. If I’m going to act like such a knob when I become a dad I’m never having kids.