If a snake swallows four golf balls, should it really be saved?

Thursday January 3, 2008 | 02:59:22 pm 286 words, 6653 views

I am not an advocate of reptiles, especially snakes. I would mercilessly kill each one I encountered, if I didn’t have a far greater fear of machetes.

Sometimes in my cubicle, I am startled by my black phone cord in the corner of my left eye, because for a split second I fear it’s a King Cobra about to swallow my head whole. I blame this life-long phobia on my 7th grade Life Science teacher Mrs. Baker, the orchestrator of savage mouse feedings to the school python every Friday afternoon.

So today I’m left wondering why some Australians felt the need to perform emergency surgery in order to save a local snake after it swallowed four golf balls mistaking them for chicken eggs.

Question 1: If you’re a snake, would it really take four separate gulps to realize these ‘eggs’ have gone bad?

Question 2: Are snakes endangered? Does each need to be protected like the last of the Rwandan Mountain gorillas?

Question 3: AP video footage of the incident reveals “Matt” was written on the swallowed balls, to which I ask this snake if it’s ever seen a chicken handle a Sharpie, and if it did would it ever label their eggs with a name, AND if it in fact did, would it ever name their chicks “Matt"? Wouldn’t it be “SWAWWWK” OR “EEEEEEKKK"?

Question 4: “Without surgery, it would have certainly died,” veterinarian Michael Pyne told the press. Does Pyne feel as though he’s done a positive service to the world in saving this critter? I would argue as much as the soul who invented “spamming".

Shame on you, Australia. Let survival of the fittest take its course, and allow this golf ball-loving serpent to meet it’s maker.

8 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Ron Mon [Member] · http://www.buffalogolfer.com

I believe that the pythons do the swallowing, cobras do the striking and the hypnotic dancing, and Baldwins do the sucky writing. I would have thought that the dingos would have filleted the serpent, juggled the balls, and had a few beers. What a let-down.

Permalink 01/03/08 @ 19:57

Comment from: davo [Visitor]

What’s more stupid than a snake swallowing golf balls? A primate with the brain to know better spending its days chasing a golf ball around a giant lawn, only to hit it further away again when he finds it.

(that primate is you, in case this is over your head).

Permalink 01/03/08 @ 22:35

Comment from: Adam [Visitor]

so you think snakes are bad creatures that deseve to die? You obviously dont know anything about snakes, they do us a lot of favours keeping down rodent numbers and yet you show them no respect whatsoever

a lot of people like snakes because they've learnt about them and respect them, and they would feel they've done good saving this snake

don't base the world on just your opinion, cos you obviously know little, if anything at all about snakes

Permalink 01/04/08 @ 06:57

Comment from: Brandon Tucker [Visitor] · http://worldgolf.com/blogs/brandon.tucker

I didn't know how bad the American health care system was until I realized other countries are performing emergency (and I assume free) surgeries to dime-a-dozen snakes.

Should I ever choke on a chicken bone, I sure hope I'm not in America.

Permalink 01/04/08 @ 14:47

Comment from: Davo [Visitor]

"Should I ever choke on a chicken bone, I sure hope I'm not in America."

Better yet, hope I'm not your doctor. I happen to like wildlife, including snakes.

Permalink 01/04/08 @ 22:31

Comment from: Brad [Visitor]

you sir are a bottom feeder. how your phobia of snakes leads you to write such irrational and retarded things is beyond me. o well i guess thats a golfer for you.

-Brad

Permalink 01/06/08 @ 14:53

Comment from: Dylan [Visitor]

Seeing as you obviously have no idea whatsoever about snakes, and are living in your own world where golf is all that matters and anything you don't like should be destroyed, let me provide some possible answers to your ridiculous questions.

1. If you're a snake, you don't chew your food, you swallow it whole and you rely on your sense of smell to differentiate between what is food and what isn't. Obviously the snake mistook the golf balls for food because they were in a chicken coop and smelled like chicken eggs to the snake.

2. Does it matter if it is endangered? If you see an animal in distress, do you just watch it suffer? I know for one that I would do something to help, and so would many other perfectly normal and sane people in the world.

3. I'm going to have to assume that is a joke, because no one is stupid enough to think that a snake can read, I would hope...

4. I'll bet he does feel like he's done a positive service, and unfortunately there are people in the world who are extremely self-centered and ignorant, like you, who would just ignore an animal that is suffering, just because you don't really like it. Maybe if America took a page from the rest of the world's book, and didn't put all their money into warfare and guns, you could actually enjoy life.

So please, next time keep your misinformed and immature opinion to yourself, and then maybe you won't look like such an idiot.

Permalink 01/07/08 @ 00:12

Comment from: Sphen Hoobengrabber [Visitor] · http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2083273894

Wow this post is really changing my life. I feel I should respond.

1. Dylan, you are living in your own world where everything needs to be put in a numbered list. And you look like an idiot.

2. Brandon, you are hilarious. But you used the wrong it's at the end of your post. It's a possessive its with no apostrophe.

3. I definitely agree the chicks would not be named Matt.

- Sphen

Permalink 01/08/08 @ 15:14

Brandon Tucker

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WorldGolf.com's Brandon Tucker offers his unique perspective on golf and travel destinations from Scotland and Ireland to Myrtle Beach. He also chimes in on news events on the PGA and LPGA Tours, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and other happenings around the world of golf.