SOUTHERN PINES, N.C. – I can’t take it anymore! I’m trapped in this media center at Pine Needles, staring at a stagnant leaderboard. I hear nothing but the clicking of keys and the rumble of thunder above me.

“What is everyone writing?” I ponder. “There’s been no action for like two hours…”

No worries, upon closer look they’re all on YouTube. Have you seen that hamster video???

But the good news is that in the future, rain delays at golf tournaments will be a thing of the past.

By the year 2034, around the time Sam Alexis Woods is shooting for her 5th U.S. Open title (in tennis), golf simulators will be so advanced, if there is a rain delay, everyone will go inside and play on the next best thing.

Grizzled, conservative golf writers like myself will blog, “Shame! I’d rather see these pros face the wrath of God on the course than the hand of science in a stuffy, tan-colored conference room!”

By the way, golf equipment will be virtual by then, kinda like the Wii.

But that’s not all. Eventually, all golf courses will be indoors, because of 0-zone depletion and the piercing, unshielded rays of the sun. We won’t even be able to go outside for more than a few minutes…ala Total Recall.

This will occur by the year 2180 and will allow 6-year-old Zubartx Ngixtlz to defend her title. She will be the oldest player in the field.

Uh oh…the Voice just came out over the loudspeaker and informed us all play is suspended for the day. I’m gonna go to Borders and pick up a Kurt Vonnegut book.