Tiger Woods: genetically engineered by Nike or second coming of Jesus?

It’s impossible not to run into Nike gear at the PGA Merchandise Show this week. Not only do they have an extensive equipment pavilion, they also have one of the largest apparel displays. Not only that, they have separate space dedicated entirely to their line of designer belts. I’ve seen at least two large walls featuring an image of a stone-faced Tiger , complete with bulging muscles in a sleek black Nike shirt and cap, resembling billboards depicting political leaders in Tehran’s town squares.

Anyways, this whole Tiger/Nike thing worked out a little too perfect, especially the timing in which he debuted, right around when Titanium this-and-thats stormed on the scene. Suddenly, it became believable to spend $400 on a golf club. Before then, you might be suspected of money laundering or aiding government funding to Area 51.

Nike is headquartered in Oregon, which is remote enough to keep the snooping press out of their business except when and where they want them. I think activists are too busy fighting against Asian sweatshops so they’ve failed to notice Nike’s giant genetic engineering lab CEO Pat Knight has been running for over three decades. I am led to believe Nike was far ahead of the cloning curve but was able to keep it under wraps. Their crowning achievement happened in 1975 when their perfected specimen was created and named “Tiger". They found two willing parents who would help nurture their triumph to perfection, and it wasn’t long before he stormed through the amateur ranks and became the world’s most famous athlete.

It seems however their second creation, Michelle Wie, had a few flaws. Or perhaps it wasn’t the scientists fault, but their poor choice of parents that exposed her too early. Maybe Nike got greedy trying to cash before she had developed.

For Tiger on the other hand, he and Nike’s meteoric rise in golf seem too perfect for coincidence. Nike didn’t want to waste their time marketing persimmon clubs. So they waited until technology was advanced enough to sucker people into compulsive club buying. It’s the only halfway logical explanation I can think of. Either that or he’s the second coming.