The golf world is not ready for Phil Mickelson and left-handed course design

I wasn’t entirely cool with Tiger jumping into golf design, and I’m flat-out AGAINST Phil following suit with his new design ventures, albeit for completely different reasons.

With Tiger, my beef was basically that he’s a sell-out who will do nothing but drive up greens fees while the game needs more affordable options.

For Phil, my problem is simple: He’s left-handed.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize Phil’s design strategy (or conspiracy) is going to pander to left-handed golfers, all five percent of them. Us righty’s have enjoyed countless generations with a monopoly of courses designed by those who play golf the “right” way.

Now Phil is out to rain on our parade. Surely he is plotting a handful of subtle design nuances that will give the edge to more inferior lefty players. Tee boxes will have little humps that make it flatter to tee off lefty. Sand traps will all be short and right of the green. That isn’t all. Ball washers will be on the opposite side of the tee box. If he is as shrewd as I think, he’ll also design holes factoring the sun’s location at peak times of day to try and blind right-handers.

If history can teach us anything, it’s that being left-handed is a curse. In ancient Sparta, among other cultures, when a child was diagnosed with lefthandism, he was usually killed immediately if not banished from civilization. The modern ages are less barbaric of course, but that doesn’t mean these sub-perfect humans should be off the hook entirely.

Look, I was born left-handed. But I saw the light early. Despite a natural instinct to set up lefty, I had the foresight to see a lifetime of being labeled a circus freak, not to mention find it near-impossible to locate a decent set of used irons. When I look back on fuzzy old pictures from Scotland, I don’t see anyone swinging their niblick the wrong way. They’re swinging like the omnipotent Golf Gods intended. Designers Old Tom Morris and Donald Ross were right-handers and laid the foundation for us. Now this liberal lefty is trying to rewrite history embarking on these frivolous projects.

Pandering to his fellow kin is the only possible way I see Phil even having a niche in design, considering we couldn’t possibly have anymore courses “playable for all skill levels", right?

Luckily for the majority of us, an organized boycott of left-handed golf design should be able to neutralize their attempt to damage our game designed by old-fashioned, God-fearing righties - from Old Tom to Nicklaus and Player.

Listen Phil, design all of your ten courses or whatever, just be sure to make room on the left for a beer tent on any of their 18th’s, and email me when the press trip has been planned.

Architect of U.S. golf as we know it Donald Ross holds a right-handed club: a sure hint to future generations not to allow lefties behind a blueprint or even C.A.D.