Have you ever wondered why we don’t hear more about golfers tossing chairs through bar windows or being chased down I-95 at 4 a.m. with a kilo of blow in the trunk?

Today’s headlines are highlighted by two late-night scrums. One involving socialite turned adult movie star and pop singer Paris Hilton. The other involves the NBA’s Stephen Jackson.

Several weeks after being arrested for driving drunk, Hilton was allegedly punched in the face and basically “hated on” by some chick from “Dancing with the Stars". It’s nice to see Hilton is finally being serious about becoming a pop singer. Meanwhile, the assailant was pushed down a flight of stairs by one of Hilton’s people. Sounds like a Saturday night with Baldwin in Tahoe…

Jackson, who was suspended for 20-plus games for dropping haymakers on Detroit fans at the Palace in 2004, had a pretty common night at a strip club last night, getting in a fight, hit by a car and firing his gun in the air several times. The Pistons’ Dale Davis was arrested earlier this summer in South Beach for assault in the wee hours of the morning.

My pops used to tell me, “few good things happen after 2 a.m.” In a sport that often demands an early rise, golf seems like an obvious fit for any celebrity having difficulty avoiding Johnny Law.

When you think about John Daly, the PGA’s “Wild Child", his simple gambling and drinking problems seem pretty tame huh? “You mean he smokes while he golfs???“ Then again, who’s got time for bitch slaps and nudy bars when you’ve got an 8 a.m. tee time?

Golf is renowned for teaching character, control and patience, all while making you go to bed frighteningly early - all traits our troubled celebs could use.

Sure, Hilton is likely facing probation for her DUI, but that won’t do any good. If she is to truly be rehabilitated, let’s make her a caddie for a few months. By court ordering her to arrive at Shady Oaks C.C. before sunrise for a morning full of double-bag duty, she’ll surely cut off the bubbly long before the skeezy broads get in her grill on Sunset.

Golf: teaching a lifetime of lessons and keeping you out of the drunk tank for years to come…