Americans lack Ryder Cup, basketball and Olympic dominance, but there are other "strengths"

It’s quite fashionable to bash the current ineptitude of U.S. athletics in global competition. The Ryder Cup team was flat, the U.S. basketball team was upset by Greece before reaching the finals of the World Championships last month, and we’re not even kicking as much Olympic tail as we used to.

Thankfully, our strengths can be found elsewhere. Namely: World’s Strongest Man.

Yes, the competition where brute’s from all over the world haul tractors, carry atlas stones and trek to the underworld to arm wrestle Satan - or worse a Russian named Rasputin from Siberia. After a 24-year absence, the WSM crown belongs to the Americans again, thanks to Phirephighter Phil Pfister, who likely popped numerous blood vessels in his forehead to win the crown.

The only thing more ridiculous than the events in the WSM is the competition’s sponsor: nutrition company Met-Rx. Please, these guys’ hormone-induced training regimines probably make Barry Bonds and Floyd Landis’ seem organic.

Don’t tell any of those guys I said that…

So we might not have golf. Shucks. But we’ve got the muscle, and that’s important. I feel safe in the bulging, veiny wings of Uncle Sam, his 20,000 nukes, Governator, and now The Strongest Man. America is the Official Bully of Planet Earth. Mess with us and we’ll invade your country, or at the very least give you a wedgie.