Down in the dumps

I’m bummed out, man. Majorly bummed. See, basically every team I give two cents about is down in the dumps. It’s bad. My rap sheet includes:

University of Michigan Football: Lost to Notre Dame and Ohio State the same year. That’s like asking, “Would you like a punch in the face or a kick in the groin? How about both??”
Detroit Red Wings: M.I.A.
Indiana U. Basketball: Screech is more likely to receive a dance invite this year.
Detroit Pistons: Last year had the best fans in the league, this year just the drunkest. And did I mention a record below .500?
Detroit Lions: Some things never change. . .

I don’t want to watch Sportscenter anymore. I don’t want to watch any NFL games. I’m sick of snooping around looking for any life in the NHL bargaining agreement.