Thailand: Putting smiles on golfers' faces from Bangkok to Pattaya

For many years, old Bangkok Al was a newspaperman in Denver, Colorado. Then he got divorced and came to Thailand – to play golf.

If you believe that last part about golf, listen up - I’ve got a go-go bar for sale in the tourist center of Bangkok that is hugely profitable and available cheap. E-mail me and I’ll give you the details.

My point is, very few men come to Thailand just to play golf. That’s what they tell their wives, but the reality is Thailand has a richly deserved reputation for offering pleasures that can’t be talked about in the company of wives.

However, it’s also true that Thailand offers some of the finest golf you can imagine, and at a fraction of the cost you’ll find most places.

Case in point: Recently, I played a round at Laem Chabang, a gorgeous 27-hole course designed by Jack Nicklaus. It’s located on the outskirts of Pattaya, one of the most notorious cities in the world for sex tourism. For a visual image of Pattaya, just imagine walking down the street and having 20,000 Thai bargirls all competing for your attention, calling out, “Hello, handsome man.”

Yes, as the mama-san at a local hostess bar likes to say, “money is handsome.”

But back to golf. You can play at a terrific course here during the week for as little as $10. But you’ve got to take a caddie, and that’ll set you back another five bucks or so. (All the caddies are girls, and you can pretty much expect that along about the 11th hole, she’ll turn to you and say, “You have lady?") A lot of golfers in Thailand develop severe hooks and slices on the back nine, for some unfathomable reason.

So in the future, let me be your golfing Mephistopheles in Thailand and Southeast Asia. And when you come to the Land of Smiles, I’ll teach you the three phrases in Thai that everyone must know: “Mai phet” (not spicy), “Mai pen rai” (don’t sweat it), and “Hong nam yu thi nai, khrab?” (where in the name of Buddha is the toilet?).